SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain, the only podcast clinically proven to raise your blood pressure and your dopamine. I'm Kayla, Millennial Mom, current chaos coordinator of two spoil giants who think budget is a TikTok sound. Today we're talking with Emily Clayhorn, host of podcast Mamahood After Trauma: Tools for Triggered Mamas. Well, let's jump right in. Welcome to the show, Emily. It is so nice to have you with us. Yeah, thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. Yes, I'm so excited. So we're gonna do a little bit of getting to know you and kind of like what you do. So I just really want to start off first with the because this is what really struck me when I was reading a little bit about your profile and about you was you describe yourself as a trauma-informed trigger recovery coach helping moms heal while parenting. Can you share a little bit about your journey and what led you to this work?

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Yeah, so I guess um what led me to this work was my experiences that I had growing up. But then when I became a mom in 2018, I had spent my entire life prior to that running from those experiences and the emotions that came with those experiences. And then when my daughter was born in 2018, it all came bubbling to the surface, kind of like a freight train going down the tracks a hundred miles an hour, and demanded for me to deal with it. Only I didn't know how. Yeah, I didn't know where where to get the support that I needed. I knew that I needed something, and uh I had I had done the therapy thing off and on throughout my young adult years and childhood, and had trauma from that. So I knew that I I was very picky for lack of a better term, very particular about who I went to see and how I went about it. So at the beginning of my journey, and I guess just a little background information for your listeners so that they can understand fully what I'm talking about when I'm when I talk about my childhood experiences. Um, I was abandoned by my mom at like seven months old. My paternal grandparents raised me. Um, my parents were in and out of my life, um, all all growing all while I was growing up. Um I was daddy's little girl. He got married to another woman who had a child of her own. I wanted to be with them, which my grandmother thought, you know, she should be with her father and whatnot. That's the natural way things go. Um, but that was a really bad decision because I lived with them for about 18 months, during which time I was abused physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, all of the ways by my stepmom and my stepbrother. And then um, so late 90s, we didn't have the awareness or the supports in place for mental health, for abuse, and life went back to normal. Yeah. When when I when I got out of that situation. So um, all through my preteen years, my teen years, and my my twenties, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression and um like the emotions were physically manifesting themselves in my health, like my physical health was deteriorating because I was living in a state of constant stress. Like my body was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Um, and so when I had my daughter and I could no longer run, the coping skills that I had up to that point didn't work anymore. Right, yeah. And so, I mean, or lack thereof, avoidance isn't really a coping strategy, but a lot of people use it. Right, yeah. Um, and so I I went on this journey of trying to figure out okay, how do I keep my childhood from repeating because I don't want that for her and how do I help myself heal? Like, and at that point in time, in uh September of 2018, I didn't know what this journey was going to look like. I knew that I had two choices. I could listen to my nervous system and run like hell, or I could stay and face it and figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

And so I stayed and faced it and figured it out. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So, so that's that's where where this work kind of started and it's evolved a lot, a lot since then. And um, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Wow, wonderful. Yeah, it's it's natural to kind of, you know, it's a natural response to want to run from something that hurts and trauma that you experience, you don't want to open those old wounds even further than what they're already there, just barely scabbed over because it hurts, you know. But when you have a kid, it's like you said, you kind of have to stand your ground and just face it and figure it out if you don't want the cycle to repeat itself. It's just one of those things that we're forced to do. And, you know, unfortunately, many moms they've experienced trauma and they feel like they're carrying an invisible weight while raising their children. What made you realize that this is a conversation that needs to happen more openly?

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Well, I've always kind of had an awareness that I wasn't special enough to be the only one to have parents who didn't know how to love me, who didn't know how to work, who didn't have the tools and the willpower to work through the gumption, to work through their hurt so that it didn't impact me. And I there is this defining moment that I had at a very, very young age. I think I was I was six or seven, and I was walking across the parking lot of my child psychologists, and I think I thought to myself, someday I want to help kids like me because no kid deserves to have a mommy or a daddy who don't know how to love them. Yeah. Yeah, and you know, I've done a lot of reflecting on that moment since um having a six and seven-year-old of my own now. Um, that is some deep awareness. Yeah. Hundred percent for for a six or a seven-year-old to have like to be that aware of the the injustice and the unfairness of that situation. So that sorry, my train of thought derailed.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

No, you're hey, listen, mombrain is a thing. I totally get it. It is, it is yes. Um it's it's just one of those things where you know you have a moment and it's like you said, like that's some deep awareness for a six or seven-year-old. But it's also some deep awareness that as you moved through your life that you can recognize like that was the moment that deep down you knew, like, there are people that feel this way. I'm not the only one that feels this way. And there's people that that need help that so that their kids never feel the way that I felt.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Well, yeah, and and that was that was my my why. So in the really dark days that I had um after my daughter was born, after the freight train, the trauma freight train hit me, yeah. Um, I I said a prayer and I was like, you know, God, if you can help me get through this, whatever it is, this dark hole, I will reach my hand back into the fire because I know I'm not special enough to be the only one facing this. And I I'm a researcher. I've been a researcher from a young age, trying to figure out why things are or how to find help. And I did, I did, I did look high and low. I scoured the internet looking for trauma-informed mom support. Yeah. And I couldn't find anything. And so I got I was like, okay, I guess this is what we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yeah. Because it's an important thing to do because it's like you said, you are not the only one. Like I've experienced trauma, like plenty of childhood aces were in my my childhood, you know, and so it's so important, like you said, to recognize like I'm not the only one. And that you saw that there was a chasm for other parents, and you said, well, let's create some support, let's make it so they don't feel like they're in that hole by themselves, you know. And I think that that is just so beautiful and wonderful. And in conversations like this, that you know, when the more conversations you have about it, the more people will actually look at it and take it seriously, you know. Because I think that's another thing is sometimes people still look at it and go, Well, that happened when you were a kid, get over it. Yeah, it's it's they don't understand, yeah, it lives in your nervous system. There is no just get over it. You may seem like you're getting over it, but it is living in your nervous system and coloring every one of your responses, you know. So I I just absolutely I love what you're doing. And speaking of what you're doing, you created something called the mended mama method. What inspired you to develop that approach and what is it?

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Okay, so a couple of minutes ago, I talked about my research. And um, I I did a lot of searching, trying to figure out how to achieve what I wanted to achieve without even really fully knowing what I needed to do. I knew I was I knew I would I was where I was and I needed to be somewhere else. But yeah, how to get from A to B was very, very, very unclear. So without the mended mama method, that's what 99.9% of moms face. We know we're here at point A. We know that we're triggered, we know that we live with this unsettled feeling every single day. We know that we have to walk on eggshells around our own nervous system because we don't know when we're gonna snap. We're overwhelmed, we're stressed out, and we know that we don't want to feel that way, but we don't know and we don't have time to figure it out step by step by step by step by step. So that's what I've done with with my own healing journey is I've turned it around and forged the mended mama method out of what I did to give mamas a gradual step-by-step to help them get from that constant stress, triggered, overwhelmed, frazzled part spot where they are to okay now I I'm aware of my triggers, I know what they are, I know how it's showing up in my parenting, I know how to support myself, but also my kids. Right. And I know how to be present. Yes. Because for a lot of us, I know for me, when I was in that triggered, frazzled, overwhelmed, living with my nervous system on the edge of breakdown, I couldn't be a present parent.

unknown 15:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

I was like my body did not have the capacity to be a present parent. Yeah. And that's not a fault on me. That was just the reality of where my nervous system was. Exactly. And so the mended mama method is broken into four steps, four phases. I think phase would be a better word than step, because it it's about developing skills and building your awareness muscle. Okay. Um, and becoming more aware of yourself and what's going on in your nervous system, because when we're living in that triggered, overwhelmed, stressed out, on walking on eggshells around ourselves state, that's that's really extreme survival mode. Oh, and when you're when when you're living, when you're living in survival mode, you're not thinking about how to improve. You're just thinking about getting to the next moment and the next moment and the next moment. Where when we when you start walking through the mended mama method with with the support that we offer mamas within Mamahood after trauma, then you can your your nervous system can start to exhale. And you can you can relax, you can start to relax a little bit, you can start to feel a felt sense of safety, you can acknowledge, oh, I'm feeling tension in my shoulders or in my stomach. There's something, there's something off. And so we work on identifying your triggers, identifying your emotions, because for a lot of us, we're living in survival mode. We're not thinking about, oh, okay. So this is what this is what sad feels like, or this is what happy feels like, or this, yeah. We're not we're not thinking about those things. No, not at all. Trying to get to the next moment. Yes. And then we begin to build out your coping strategies, and I call this your trigger toolkit. You have tools to help you navigate a trigger because you know it's not about never getting triggered again. That's that's not our goal. It's about knowing how to navigate your trigger in a healthy way, instead of running the avoidance track or the shutdown track or the people-pleasing train, you're aware of your trigger, um, and you know how to navigate it, and then if and when you lose your cool and you shout, or you say something that hit a little hard, you know how to repair. Oh, okay. Because for a lot of us, we live in this cycle of trigger reaction guilt, and it's like a cycle. That's where the mom guilt lives, and we have a lot of trouble with uh living on the mom guilt cycle because we're telling ourselves I'm a bad mom because I yelled at my kids. Right. Or whatever happened, when in reality, the shift that could be made is I was feeling overwhelmed, I was feeling frustrated, and I had a reaction. Yeah. Because when when you take your reaction and put an identity to it for yourself, make it your identity, it's a lot harder to break free from that than to look at it with self-compassion. I I was feeling whatever, right, and I had a reaction. Yeah. That makes sense. Human. We're we're going to have reactions. It's going to happen because we're human. And sometimes your kids just get on your nerves. Yeah. And and that's part of their that's part of their journey growing up. They they test boundaries and limits. And usually when your kids trigger you, you're not actually triggered about your kid. You're triggered about something else that happened to you, and whatever they're doing is just bringing up that memory.

SPEAKER_00 21:45

Right. So, speaking of that, how can moms listening who are feeling reactive or overwhelmed, how can they recognize the difference of when they're actually being triggered rather than when they're simply dealing with a difficult parenting?

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Well, I when you are being triggered, you feel if if you tune in, instead of looking out outward at your external environment, if you stop for a moment and you turn inward and you just close your eyes for a second and turn your attention towards what you're feeling in your body. Do you feel tension? Do you feel an uneasiness somewhere? Okay. What are the thoughts going on like what what what are the first things that are coming to mind? Gotcha. So a little self-evaluation. Yeah. And if if it's about if it's like my kid is throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store, and your first thought is oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing. I cannot believe that they are having their feelings here and they're they're throwing a fit here. And what are people going to think? And blah blah blah blah blah that is a challenging parenting moment, yes. Yeah, because your kid is having emotions, big emotions, in the middle of the grocery store. But your big reaction to whatever whatever is happening is the trigger. Right. And so it it really comes down to your reflection after the fact that like you get back in the car and you sit and take a breather, you're like, okay, that was a big reaction. What happened there? Right. And if if if it comes down to, well, mom wasn't ever okay with me showing big emotions in the grocery store. Mom wasn't okay with me showing big emotions anywhere. Yeah. And so, of course, it's going to be a trigger for you to have your kid throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store. Right. But the trigger isn't necessarily them having their feelings. It's the, oh my goodness, I'm going to get in trouble that your inner child remembers. Like, mom's gonna throw a fit at the right. That makes perfect sense. I see what you're saying. Yeah, so I guess triggers live in the challenging parenting moment. And so it's it's hard to differentiate them because it really comes down to what your immediate thoughts are and what you can tie it back to. What is your big reaction really about? Is it that your kid threw a fit? And I keep going back to the kid throwing a fit in a grocery store because it's the easiest one for people to understand and identify with because I don't know any my kids have thrown fits in the grocery store or in the middle of Walmart. And it can be kind of embarrassing, but you have to take stock. Sure, your kid is is having their feels, they don't know how to they don't have to neg um navigate those. I can get my words out with help. Um they don't they don't know they don't have all the tools to navigate their big feelings. So what is your reaction to their big feelings?

SPEAKER_00 26:52

Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Right. Yeah. I am one of those like it drives me nuts because my son's room is like always messy and very slobby. And it drives me crazy. And my husband is always on me, like, hey, it's normal for kids to have a little bit of mess. It's normal for kids to have a little bit of mess. And I grew up, and not that I grew up in a spick and span place because I actually did not, but I grew up with so little and I had like nothing that it frustrates me to see him just throw his stuff around and treat everything like it's trash instead of just picking it up because I had nothing, you know, and so I'm like, take care of yourself and pick up your room because you know, we love you and we provide this safe and secure and happy home for you, but you need to take care of your things, you know. And he's 15 almost, and it's just one of those things like it drives me crazy. My husband's always like, okay, honey, you grew up with nothing. You grew up in a house that was filthy. So you have a a natural response to, I don't want dirt, and I want everybody to treat their stuff like it's gold. He's like, but this is normal for normal teenage behavior. Like, he's like, just like when you tell a toddler it's time to pick up now, and they're like, no, 10 more minutes, and they don't want to clean up. That's normal toddler behavior, you know. And he's like, So calm it down, calm down the rhetoric. We don't need to have an argument about it, you know. Either he cleans it up or he has no Wi-Fi. You know, it's that simple. Like there doesn't need to be an argument about it. It's our house, our rules. There has to be a monoclon, like a decorum in the house. But at the same time, my husband's like, you can't white glove him either. You know, that's not fair, you know. So it's funny because my husband's not advocating for our teenage son to have a messy room, but at the same time, he knows if I had it my way, that room would be pristine 24-7. And my husband's like, absolutely not. That's not normal and that's not healthy. You're coming, you're doing that because that's a trigger response for you. Like that's how you like things, and that's just not that's not something you're gonna put onto him, you know, and that's something like I actively work on. So I get what you're saying, like like a kid throwing a tantrum in the store. I oftentimes before now I even talk to my son about making sure he does his chores, I ground myself, whether that's I go out and I actually physically put my feet in the grass or I do like a breathing exercise. I will ground myself and I will literally say, okay, what are the things he actually needs to do? Like, you know, maybe it's he he needs to take out the recycle because he's supposed to do that every single day. And maybe he didn't do it the night before or something. You know, like so maybe he he that's hey, I'm reminding you the recycle needs to go out. You need to get that done. Or maybe it's he needs to do his laundry or put it in the laundry room, whatever it may be that he actually needs to do instead of what I would because I could rattle off a million and one things for him to do. And and so I do try to intentionally parent now instead of doing it afterwards, I try to do it before so that I can negate that that trigger aspect of hey, do this, this, this, this, and this and this and this and because he if just like a kid in a a store throwing a tantrum, no teenager wants to spend all day cleaning and they're gonna push back. Like just like that kid in the grocery store, teenagers push back, you know, they just have more words and a bigger vocabulary. Yeah, that's that's uh that's it. So so I totally understand what you're saying about that. That makes perfect sense. And while we're talking about triggers, you talk about building a trigger toolbox. What exactly is that and why is it so important for moms who are navigating trauma recovery?

SPEAKER_01 31:31

So, like I said earlier, um my go-to coping skill or lack thereof was avoidance. Don't feel it, don't don't let it come to the surface, let it go, blury it as deep as you can. And then it all came to the surface, and I was like, I don't know what to do with this. Yeah, it can't function. What do I do with this? And so a trigger toolkit is a concept um that I created to kind of encompass all of the different uh mindfulness or grounding techniques that can help you come down after a trigger. So there are some that I've created myself, like um my action plan, my trigger action plan for mamas who are really early on in their journey. Um like uh you mentioned doing breathing exercises and putting your feet in the grass. Those those also fit inside of a trigger toolkit. So when you have a trigger toolkit, you have techniques and strategies that you know off the cuff will help you in one of those really overwhelming and stressful moments when your prefrontal cortex, the front of your brain here, that's in charge of your logical, rational thinking, goes offline. Yeah. And so that's that's why it's important because when that goes offline, your alarm system in your amygdala is sounding and you panic. You go into trigger mode, and whatever automatic response you have is what's going to happen. Yeah. So using your trigger toolkit, it's about incorporating these strategies into your day. Now, they don't have to take a long time. It could be as simple as noticing five five things while you're brushing your teeth. So five colors when you're brushing your teeth, or while you're driving down the road taking a few deep breaths to help you come back down. Or um journaling. Yeah. Um when when you're not feeling that overwhelming sense of stress. Just getting getting it out. Or um when you get up in the morning and you put your feet on the floor, you're taking a nice deep breath. It it it's small little habits that will help you tremendously when you're triggered, but the trick is you have to practice them when you're not so that they become something that come to mind when you are.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

Yeah. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. That's like why I like to put my feet in the grass, is because I naturally like to actually just have my feet touch grass every once in a while. I don't know, I'm weird. Same thing with my feet in the sand on the beach, except for I don't always have the beach. Right. I mean, I lived like 10 miles from the beach, but I'm not gonna drive there. But I always have like flip-flops or something on, so I always have grass tickling my toes, and there's something calming about focusing on the way that the grass feels in my toes. So um when I'm really like trying to center my energy and get my brain to function properly, uh I can kick those shoes all the way off and have the grass touch my whole feet and focus on that. And it kind of allows the I I like to just say like negative thoughts or whatever it may be that's bogging down my nervous system to lighten up a little bit so I can it's like a haze. I uh you know how they say like a blind rage. I never really understood that until I was a parent, and I'll tell you what, I'll share a story with you. I had this apartment once, and my son was about a year and a half old, and we had cream-colored carpet that I had just cleaned. We had like three dogs, and um, I made spaghetti for dinner, and my son normally loved spaghetti. Normally, he was throwing a tantrum, and he hadn't slept in like a day. And I had I was working two jobs, I was so tired, so I picked him up for my mom's, brought him back home, made him dinner, and he takes, as soon as I turn around, he's in his high chair, he takes that spaghetti and he just throws it right on the cream colored carpet that had finished steam cleaning like the day before. And I was in a blind rage. I mean, I was so mad. And I just like if if I was a cartoon, it would have been like you would have seen the level of red and then the steam come out of my ears. And my best friend's dog, he was like this 125-pound boxer. He sensed it before my son sensed it, and he actually backed me up into a corner in the kitchen and had both of his massive paws on my chest and was like in my face. And because he was just like, uh-uh, don't you take one step towards that baby mad, you know? Like, because he, I mean, when I tell you my one and a half year old could walk this dog because this dog hurted him the whole time, that was his like best buddy, you know. So he was like, You better calm it down, lady, or I will eat your face off. And it I it made me focus on this dog's breathing in my face with his stanky breath, and it like lifted the haze. And that is when for the very first time I realized what that that meant, blind rage, you know, because it's literally like yes, it's an actual thing. Well, you experience that with other triggers, yeah, yeah, and other emotions. So it having something that centers you to lift that haze, to lift that fog is so important. And it may be journaling, it may be putting your feet in the grass, deep breaths, whatever, you know. But to have that, like you said, in your toolkit so that you're not, because I am like you too. I want to run from everything. It's just my natural response. I'd rather just shove it down deep and be like, I'll deal with it later because I'm busy and I don't have time for it now. Um and then not until I until it comes bubbling to the surface and you at least expect it. Until the suitcase, like you're jumping on the suitcase and it breaks open. But seriously. So it's like I try to do better about that, you know. As I've moved through my parenting journey, I've tried to recognize that about myself and be a lot better because I don't want my son to do those things, you know. Yeah. I want him to come to me when he's having really big emotions. And maybe he doesn't understand why he's having really big emotions, but say, hey, mom, I I feel like this and I don't know why. You know, it's like he literally just came to me Monday, no, Tuesday, and he said, Mom, one of my friends in school is in the hospital. And I said, Oh no, why? And he said, and this is a trigger warning, he said, um, he tried to commit suicide. Oh man. And I said, Oh my gosh, you know, and he told me his friend's name. And I said, Really? And he said, Yeah. And I said, I didn't, I didn't know. Like, and he was like, Yeah, I mean, he's got a lot going on. His parents are going through a divorce. He's he just he he's just been really down lately, you know. And he was like, But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it because he he talks to us and we tell him all the time he can talk to us, but it's like he didn't try to call any of us. Yeah, that's really hard. And I and I yeah, I was like, yeah, buddy, you know, like I understand you feeling that way, and it's okay to feel that way, but it's not okay to put the blame on yourself. Like, this isn't your fault, this isn't your friend's fault. You know, there's something going on there, and he probably didn't want you guys to feel like he was burdening you, even though you wouldn't have looked at it that way. That's probably the mentality he was coming from. So it's important, maybe you should write him a letter, or we can go get him a card, let him know that you're still here, you're still thinking about him, he's still your buddy. You know, I said, because he needs you now more than ever, you know, and he was like, Absolutely, you don't think that's weird? And he's like, that's not like too girly of a thing to do. And I said, Well, even if it is, who cares? That's your friend.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

Yeah. Yeah. And I think what you said just then about his friend maybe didn't talk to them because he didn't want them to feel like a burden. That's a trauma narrative. Trauma will tell you that you need to stay in it alone. Trauma will tell you that nobody else cares and you're going to be a burden if you tell someone.

SPEAKER_00 42:33

That is what trauma does. Exactly. You know, and I'm trying to teach my son how to recognize signs for things without him physically experiencing, because like I've experienced things, you know, and I've been to the point in my life where I've almost committed suicide. You know, like I've literally been checked into the hospital. So like I understand, you know, the thought process and things that go into this. And I there's appropriate conversations to have with your children, of course, you know, but at the same time, he's a young man. And I'm like, you know, you shouldn't care whether or not if it's girly that you send your friend a card or you write him a letter. The important thing is your friend knows he's not alone and that you're here for him because his brain is telling him he's alone.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

You know, that feels that way.

SPEAKER_00 43:32

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 43:33

It's so not true.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

Yeah. That's so true. And so I think that it's important when we're talking about our central nervous systems and building our our toolkits to realize like we can actually teach our kids these valuable lessons to put in their own toolkits as we're moving forward. Because I'm not perfect at mine. I surely am not.

SPEAKER_02 43:55

Neither am I.

SPEAKER_00 43:56

Neither am I. But I Do you think it's important that, you know, like my like my son, he didn't know how to process what he was feeling. And I'm so proud of him that he was able to just be like, hey, I don't know how I feel about this. This is what's going on, and I don't know what to do, you know? And I'm like, okay, so let me listen to how you feel and validate that. Yeah. And maybe if you feel like it, we can hear something that if you would like to do this, it may be cathartic for you, and it could potentially help your friend, you know, like so let's try to kill two birds with one stone here, maybe. I don't know. And see, and that's the whole thing is like as a parent, we have to look out for our kids first and foremost, but we also have to look out for ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 44:52

Yeah. Yeah. And the work that I do through mamahood after trauma is really about helping mama to do that work so that she can help her kids understand. Yes. Like you've had to do your work before you could listen to your son and validate how he's feeling and give him coping strategies and techniques. Yeah. Just like I've I've had to do my work before I could help my kids become emotionally intelligent. Yeah. Like if I have zero emotional intelligence, I sure as heck cannot teach my kids how to be emotionally intelligent. You have to learn it yourself first before you can give those tools to your kids.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

Yes. But it and it's like you emphasize, and I I love that you do this because if you didn't, no, nobody would ever have kids. You emphasize that moms don't have to wait until they're fully healed to be good parents. Um yeah, and I think that it's so important that you emphasize that because, like, yeah, yes, you have to work on healing yourself because it's like you said, your kids won't have emotional intelligence if you're not there to teach them emotional intelligence. You know, just like your kids won't have tools in their toolbox if you're not there to show them what tools to put in it, you know. Um, but that doesn't mean you have to wait until you're fully healed. No, it's a learning process. And I'll tell you, as a mom of a teenager, your your daughter's seven, eight. Oh my gosh, if I could go back eight years, the things I didn't know eight years ago that I know now, yeah, I would make so many different changes. But then again, if I did that, my son would be a completely different person right now.

SPEAKER_02 46:57

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 46:58

You know, I I think it's a myth that healing is ever really done. Yeah. Like as long as you're earth side and you're upright and you're breathing, your healing journey is not done. Yes. It is there, it's not a destination, it's a path. And we all walk it if we choose to and and evolve over time, and then it's it's not it's not a destination.

SPEAKER_00 47:33

Yeah, you never reach the end and hit hit that gold medal, like it's just not something that you do. So I I really love that you emphasize that because I do think that that is a hundred percent important. Um, and for moms who think that they're stuck in survival mode, what would you say is the first step that they could take towards healing and maybe have make a more peaceful parenting situation for themselves?

SPEAKER_01 48:06

Well, there are a couple of things that I would suggest. So if you are feeling stuck and in that constant state of stress and overwhelm and triggers and walking it on eggshells around yourself, find a safe person. Yes. Find a person who can offer you the support that you need, a person that you can vent to, a person that will support you, and start getting curious. Instead of judging yourself for feeling the way you're feeling, simply ask yourself, I wonder what that's about after you have a big reaction. I wonder. Yeah. Because all of the answers that you need are in here. Yeah. And they you just have to let them come to the surface. But the key to letting them come to the surface is getting curious about them.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

I love that. Absolutely. 100%. And you talk about a holistic approach to trauma recovery. Why is it important to address the mind, body, and nervous system when healing?

SPEAKER_01 49:51

Because it's all connected, friend. Yeah. It's all connected. Yeah. In in our society, we have separated all the different components that make up a human being. So we have mental health professionals and physical doctors and spiritual places, and we've we've split it all apart. And we kind of built brick walls around each section. When really all of those different components make up one human being. And your nervous system, your beliefs, your rules and assumptions for living, it all impacts every part of you. Right, yeah, absolutely. Um, so for me, like the trauma that I endured as a little girl caused complex PTSD, which means my brain development is different than someone who did not experience that level of trauma. Right. My brain is physiologically different. My nervous system works differently, it's more sensitive. And so it physiologically trauma physiologically changes and shifts how your body works. Um I guess one of the best examples that I can give you, aside from uh how complex PTSD changes shifts brain development in children, is when my husband and I first started trying to grow our family, um it took us a long time to understand why my body couldn't successfully achieve pregnancy. Yeah. Because when your body lives in the constant stress response that I was living in and was completely unaware of, like that was just normal life for me. Yeah, your body's not focusing on reproducing. Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's just trying to survive. It's just trying to survive. And it takes a lot of work for your body to survive in that condition. And so it it wasn't until I went to a naturopath and he explained to me how my childhood was impacting my life at that moment. I was like, oh, you don't say you've got a light moment. Yeah. So why do we need to have a holistic approach when looking at trauma recovery or navigating trauma recovery? It's because every cell in your body has been affected by the trauma that you endured. Even if it was not physical, like if you were never beaten as a child, but you were emotionally or mentally abused, every cell in your body is affected by that if you have not worked through it.

SPEAKER_00 54:01

Yes. And how can mothers begin to release the weight of mom guilt or mom shame while still taking responsibility for their growth?

SPEAKER_01 54:13

Understand that your nervous system is having is functioning in the way that it knows how to protect you. It thinks that it needs to protect you. Every every cell in your body has been impacted by the trauma. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:38

So you gotta release it. You gotta just let it go. And speaking of that, what role does self-compassion play in healing trauma and becoming the parent you want to be? Self-compassion is huge.

SPEAKER_01 54:53

Yes. Gotta give yourself grace. Yeah. Like until you start to understand that your triggers are your body's natural response to protect you, and that its first and main priority is survival, and that at one point in your life that trigger served you. It it kept you alive. Yeah. And so, you know, there is there is a level of gratitude for that, but also acknowledging that, you know, that trigger may not serve you anymore. Um absolutely. So, you know, self-compassion is huge because if you're walking around living your life and you're constantly judging yourself or um berating yourself, you're you are the voice of your abuser. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:09

100%. Yeah. You are what you pour into yourself 100%. And if there is one message you hope trauma surviving moms hear from this conversation, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 56:24

Healing is possible and your nervous system is not working against you.

SPEAKER_00 56:28

I love that. And can you tell our listeners about your unlocking peace guide and how it can help them start understanding their triggers? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 56:39

So my unlocking peace guide is a free download that you can find on my website. Um, and it basically walks you through what a trigger is, what your triggers are. Um, there are some journaling um exercises in there to help you to uncover what your triggers are and what your where you feel it in your body. Um, and then there are some different tools for your trigger toolkit that you can try out and see if they fit. If they don't, that's okay. Um, and if they do, great. I'm I'm I'm happy they have. Right. But um, you know, you gotta there is there, I've tried to eliminate a lot of the trial and error for the mamas that work with with mamahood after trauma, but there is still some trial and error, you know, figuring out what trigger toolkit tools work best for you because everyone is different. What works for me may not work for you, and what works for you may not work for me. And that's okay because we're two individual human beings, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 57:53

Yeah. Absolutely. When you're unique, sometimes you know, you just gotta spice it up and think outside the box and come up with your own trigger releasing toolkit or tools for your toolkit. Um where can our listeners connect with you and learn more about your work?

SPEAKER_01 58:15

Yeah, you can find me on my website, mamahoodaftertrauma.ca. And from there you can find all of my socials and the podcast and my books and all of that stuff. So yeah, the best place to go is mamahood after trauma.ca.

SPEAKER_00 58:33

Perfect. And we will have that in the show notes for everybody, and just one final send-off that you have for the listeners.

SPEAKER_01 58:44

Mama, you are stronger than you realize, and you are doing better than you think.

SPEAKER_00 58:52

I love it. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining us today.

SPEAKER_01 58:56

Thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 59:08

Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. If any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button. And if you would, please leave us a review. It really helps other tired moms and dads find the show. And if you want to become a supporter of the show, or just keep us caffeinated so we can keep bringing the chaos every Tuesday, head over to our busprout page at mom's brain is a coffee stain.buzzprout.com. Even a couple bucks means the world and helps us keep the coffee and the show flowing. Now you can become a subscriber of the show and get access to new episodes two days early. And don't forget, check us out on social media. You can find us everywhere at momsprain is a coffee stain. Also, slide into our DMs or email us your best no guilt hacks, cringiest mom moments, or your episode requests at mom's brain is a coffee stain at outlook.com. And don't forget, check out Emily's website at mamahoodaftertrauma.ca. And then head over and check out her podcast, Mamahood After Trauma, Tools for Triggered Mamas, and see what tools she's putting into our toolboxes this week. We will, of course, put all links in the show notes. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make another cup of coffee and explain to my teenager why it's important to learn trigonometry. Gotta love them. Well, love y'all. Mean it. Go sip one for us, and we'll see you next Tuesday.