SPEAKER_00 0:10

Welcome to Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain, the only podcast clinically proven to raise your blood pressure and your dopamine. I'm Kayla, Millennial Mom, current chaos coordinator of two spoiled giants who think budget is a TikTok sound. Today we're talking with Jody Hill, author of Parent Secret Superpower, which is an amazing read. Well, let's jump into the episode. Welcome to the show, Jodi. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. I love what you guys are doing, and I'm so glad to be here and part of it. Well, we are so happy to have you. And can you share a little bit about your journey and what led you to focus on how our words impact our kids?

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Yeah, so it started when I was a young child and I didn't even realize it. But what really had it culminate was when I was getting divorced and I was stepping into that with four young kids, and I heard a lot about divorce statistics of like children, like the casualties of what happens to kids when they, you know, are from a divorced family. And I was like, this is not something that I want for my children. And what is it that I can do to help them thrive, not only through this challenge and obstacle that they are walking through, but also through the rest of their life, because they're gonna have hard times just walking through life. So that really got me thinking of like, what is in my control? And that just had me really thinking about okay, the power of words as parents. And then when I started doing research into it and looking into the science of our words and also like, oh, wait, how science backs up faith and what faith has told us for centuries about the power of our words, it really started coming together. And then when I stepped out into even more intention, raising my four young children at the times, it was just so powerful. And I never set out to be an author, but then it ended up turning into a book because I wanted to equip other parents to also have the simple tools that it takes to raise confident and capable kids, and all we need is our words.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

I love that. And your book calls it the parent secret superpower, which I love. Why do you think so many parents underestimate the power of our words?

SPEAKER_01 2:44

I don't know if it's if a lot of parents are like me, some I've I often think that things are way harder than they have to be. I'm like, oh man, to raise a confident kid, I'm gonna have to like buy this 20-hour-long course. I'm gonna have to get all these tools, I'm gonna have to do training, I'm gonna have to do like all the things, right? And we think it can be so much harder than it is. And that's when I'm like, oh my gosh, we are all fully equipped with a superpower. It's and that's why I call it secret, because I think many parents don't realize that it's actually way more simpler than we think. And so that's why I call it a secret superpower because it's flying under the radar and it truly is a superpower that we have to impact our children for life. And I don't know about you, but as they grow up and even as they're teens and young kids, they're getting influenced by peers, social media if they have phones and culture. And it's like, I want to be the loudest, most positive voice in their life. And how can I do that? And oh, I already have that, I already have what I need inside of me, which is my words.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

Yes, absolutely. And what's one common phrase that parents would say like every day that might actually, it may be well-intended, but it might actually be hurting their child's confidence and they may not realize it.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Right. I think it's really easy as parents to let words come out of our mouth so carelessly. And there's a difference between speaking to their identity and speaking to the situation. So you walk in their room and it is a complete m. False, not true. And instead of saying, you are so messy, it's oh man, this room is a bit disorganized. This room's a bit messy. Hey, what can we do to start bringing some organization to here? What can what's a baby step we can take right now to start cleaning this up? And as they're cleaning it up, you're affirming them and telling them that they're doing a great job. You're appreciating the hard work that they do. And so it's little statements like that of you're so messy. And that we don't realize is when children hear words, especially repeatedly, that turns into a belief about themselves, which impacts their identity and who they think they are, and whatever identity that they believe that they are, that impacts how they show up in the world. So if they're constantly hearing at home, oh, you're not good enough, she's just not the smart one. He's the clumsy one, he's always making mistakes, he's always lazy. You know, these little words that we can just throw around when we think we're saying these things to help encourage them to be better, but we're actually speaking to their identity and they take those on. So what happens is they're stepping into rooms with other kids or other peers or they're facing a challenging obstacle. Are they being reminded of, you know what? It's okay to mess up. I've messed up, but my parents believe in me. I know I can do hard things, I know I can try again. If I mess up, it's not the end of the world. What can I learn from it? Like that is completely different as opposed to, I am a mess up. I am a failure. My parents are always telling me that I mess things up and that I'm lazy and that I'm blah, blah, blah, you know? And then so that completely shows changes and impacts how they show up in a room for life. And I think as parents don't realize how powerful that can be. So when we can be very careful of our words, just those simple words of like, hey, you're lazy, you're you're too tired, or I mean, like you're lazy, you're forgetful, those things like that, those are really, really harmful more than we realize.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Oh, I 100% agree. And it's, you know, the power of our words and things that our kids take in. It's so so my son, he just got his temporary driving permit, not yesterday, but the day before, because he've officially turned 15. So yesterday, you know, everything's been a little chaotic because we've had some family stuff going on, and then you just add in the normal day to day. Once everything's thrown off, you know, you got a lot of catching up and everything else you got to do. Yep. Well, you know, his birthday, we were like, no, we're gonna stick to the plan. The plan was we take you to breakfast, we go get your driver's permit, you get to have like a mental health day away from school, like, and we hang out at the beach. Like, we're sticking to that plan. Love it. We need it, you know. Um he yesterday was the first day we actually got to go driving. And he discovered why people hate the DMV on his birthday because it took Oh no. So, you know, I pull in the parking lot, I get out the car, and I say, Okay, come over here. And he instantly starts freaking out. I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this, and he's like screaming and yelling. And I'm like, stop calm down. You're not even at the point to where we're driving yet. There are several steps that need to happen before you can even take the car out of the park. So let's just do those and see how you feel. Yeah. Like, so you know, we adjust the seat, we adjust the mirrors, you know, he gets the seat belt adjusted right, you know. And I'm like, just touch the wheel, feel the wheel, you know, like feel where your hands are comfortable. Because you know, you're supposed to have them at 10 and 3. And I'm like, but you need to be able to know how to move the wheel. So practice just doing that.

SPEAKER_04 8:32

Yeah, yeah, no. Baby steps.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

And so finally, he I'm like, are you ready to just take the car out of park and slowly let off the brake? That's all you have to do. And when in doubt, hit the brake. That's all you gotta do.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

I got this.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

So we did it, and by the end, he was like doing left-hand turns, right turns, he parked for the first time, and he he was like, you know, and I was like telling him the whole time, like, you're doing so good or good job, and everything like that. And when he would mess up, like I didn't yell at him, yeah, you know, I'm just like, okay, you know, well, next time, you know, not to do that, you know, but you're doing good, just keep going, you know. When in doubt, hit the brake. Remember that. And so we get done, and he goes, he tells his dad last night, he was like, Yeah, at first mom yelled at me because I wouldn't even get in the driver's seat. His dad goes, Well, why wouldn't you get in the driver's seat? He said, Well, I was scared. He said, Oh, so your mom yelled at you because you were scared? He said, Well, I was yelling. So she yelled at me to stop yelling. And his dad goes, Okay, well, it sounds like you did a good job, buddy. He was like, Yeah, I I didn't think I could do it. And his dad said, But your mom knew you could, right? He was like, Remember, we talked about you gotta listen to your mom. She tends to know what she's talking about. That's right. And they kind of just laughed, you know. And um I was I it's one of those things where it's like our words are so important. And even when they're doubting themselves, yeah, to be that voice of reason to okay, calm it down. Like, you know, we can we can take this step by step. Yeah, we we don't have to do it, but let's at least try because you know they're capable. You know, it's so important to just actually let them know that you believe in them, yeah, and to get them to a point of where they in panic can receive that because that's what was happening. He was panicking.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Oh man. And that's something that's so important to even recognize because you know, we are adults and we have matured logical brains, and they don't have that till they're 21, right? So you have this kid, and you know, and I see even see this. I mean, we all see this in our kids where they are so fearful about something or whatever, and they're completely dysregulated. And we're like, dude, all you need to do is calm down, right? Yeah. And sometimes, like they're like telling me to calm down is not helping me calm down, right? So it's like, okay, what's going on for them right now? They're dysregulated. What is it they need? And they're like, we know, all right, let's take some deep breaths together. What's going on? What's your fear? What are you afraid of? And then just like you did, that's where you get to come in and encourage them. Like, I know you've got this. Remember when you tried X and it was really scary at first? And you even made a few mistakes. But guess what? I remember when you kept doing it and you got it. This is the same thing, you know? And when we can partner with our kids like that, oh my gosh, it's so powerful. Like, what if what if you had been like, you are such a dummy? I can't believe you're free. You're such a wimp. Like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

What if that what would that have done, right? That would be a good one. Just squashed him like a bud.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

Yeah, he wouldn't have got into the car ever.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Yeah. He's like, I'm just gonna cry under the car and never leave.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

I walk home. You know, like, but and it's so true because we we do have that ability to help our kids see a situation and help regulate them through the situation. Because it's like you said, they don't have adult brains. Right. You know, and some kids they look at it and my son, he really does want to drive. Like, I know deep down, like he cannot wait to get his license. Uh all he's been talking about. And but he is terrified to actually drive a vehicle. So I know that, and I'm his mom. I expected some panic. And I'm like, all I need you to do is stop yelling and sit down and let's go step by step.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

Like, and it's like I always try to find like simple things that he can remember or hold on to. Right. So that that's why I said when in doubt, hit the brake.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Yeah. Just hit the right pedal.

unknown 13:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

I've done that before. Whoops. No, no need to terrify him anymore. He'd be like, wait, what? Yeah, absolutely. But it's like you said, we build their self-belief, like what they believe in themselves. And it's as our job as our ours as their parents to build them up into strong, independent, critical thinking human beings. Well, yeah, that also helps like that also means we have to breathe life into them, into their self-being, what they believe about themselves. So if we're constantly saying things like you said, like, oh, you're lazy, or you can't do this, or you can't do that, they internalize that. You know, and it may be just one of those off because I know I've done it, and I'm like, man, dude, this room is a pig's tie. Facts. Like, yeah, I'm like, what are you doing? Are you are you like living like a pig? Like or he he really likes true crime. So it's like Will Willie Picton was like really foul. I'll be like, are you Willie Picton in it? Like, what are you doing in here? You know, like and it's and then I catch myself and I'm like, come on, man, you're better than this. Let's clean this up.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

You know, like, because I don't want him to think that I think that that's who he is.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

You know, I want him to be like, ugh, this room is kind of out of control, yes. But I don't want him to think this is just who I am as a person.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Right. And I think, you know, leading them to those conclusions is so powerful. For example, like what I mean by that, let's take the messy room example. You know, they're getting frustrated in the morning finding their clothes, finding their socks, and instead of being like, dude, this is why I told you that you needed to clean your room. Duh. Like, you know, because that's just kind of like you dummy. And then, like, that's not helpful. But like, if we approach our kids in a way of like, I see this as really frustrating finding your things, huh? Yes. Oh my gosh, it's I'm so frustrated. What do you think that you can do differently to help this not be such a challenge buying what you need? And that turns them into problem solving, right? And taking ownership instead of like here again is mom and dad blaming me for my messy room and telling me what I've done wrong and what I need to do, right? Then they get to own it. And when kids own stuff, like it is a whole different environment with our children when they can show up that way and problem solve with their own brains instead of us telling them how to do everything all the time, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Absolutely. And for moms and dads, maybe in the thick of it, busy, they're overwhelmed, overstimulated, what's one small shift they can start using today to, you know, activate that parent secret superpower? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

I think the biggest thing that parents can do is one self-care. Like we cannot be our best as parents if we are not regulated ourselves. If I have had a long day, I'm tired, I didn't get a lot of sleep because I was whether staying up late, whether working or watching shows or whatever, and not getting the sleep I need and not centering myself. And some people really need to work out to feel great in the morning or whatever it is. If we are showing up from a place of depletion, I know for myself I am not my best with my children at all. Right. And I have a great story to share. If you want to hear that of a great fail when I showed up with my kid in such a bad way. So that's like step one. Um, we can go back to the story if you want. Step two would be to stop and pause before we want to react. Because when we react and do that knee-jerk reaction, we can get some really negative ways that we show up, right? As opposed to stopping. And then, okay, how am I going to respond in this situation? So like counting to 10. Take care of yourself first and count to 10 if you need to, so you don't misspeak.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Yes. And we, of course, need to know the story.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

Oh my gosh. So it was back in, I don't know, it was a few years back. Kids were young, but I had a child or two in school. It was time to look over their homework. I had some goals for the day, like that evening. I was like, okay, I need to um, kids are just getting home from school. They need a snack, they're inside and outside, running off their energy. We also need to get dinner started. And then for me, I'm like mapping out the rest of the day. If I don't get dinner started by this time, we're gonna be done at this time and getting ready for bed, blah, blah, blah. It's gonna be a really late night. So, my objective in that moment was I'm sitting down with this one child, ready to go through their homework really quick. Yep, did a great job, and then move on to all my other things. Well, the problem was I couldn't do that because I was looking down at this piece of paper that I needed to look over, and it was complete chicken scratch. I could not read the handwriting for the life of me. And this has been a thing for a bit, you know, like, hey, let's use our best handwriting. I know you can write better. And so I'm sitting here and I'm depleted, lots going on. I'm so frustrated, and I blurted out.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

I was like, your handwriting is so horrible. And as soon as those words came out of my mouth, I was like, Yeah, that wasn't great. And my kid got really quiet. And they said, Mom, that really hurt. It's like a double punch to the gut. I was like, oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

And I apologized and I owned how I showed up in that moment, and I'm like, I'm really sorry. I'm like, will you forgive me? And and then I regrouped and and talked with him about it. And this is what I would have done, like going back after I have time to like look at and process that. So, like, I don't want to ignore the reality of the handwriting. It was horrible, but like, how can I go about that differently? So, what I would have said instead was hey, I really love these moments that we get to be together and I get to look over the work that you've been working really hard on. However, it is a challenge for me to read this handwriting. I can't get through looking over your homework because it's really hard for me to understand what you even wrote. I've seen your handwriting before. I know that when you work hard and do a good job at it, your handwriting is actually really great. I'm gonna give this back to you. Let's try again. And you call me over when you're ready for me to look at it. Night and day different, right? Right. So instead of shaming my child, I could have showed up in a healthier way, which empowered them. It also reserved our connection, preserved our connection, right? I didn't need to apologize and repair with them. And so those are the ways that, you know, I'm always seeking to interact with my children in those moments, in those moments of frustration where I see them not performing to the standard that you know, that I want to call them up to.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

But I think the important thing to take from that story is you did do repair. So you did recognize like, oh, I'm sorry, I understand that that I hurt you.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

And I am so sorry, I am wrong, you know. And yeah, you did that repair.

SPEAKER_03 21:07

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 21:08

Because we're going to fail.

SPEAKER_03 21:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

You know, parenting is a hundred percent of the time you will fail. At some point, sometime you're gonna get it right. But just I always say I look at it and I say, There is a hundred percent chance I'm failing today because it does it at some point I'm gonna drop the ball on something. Because in today's world, we are so overstimulated, we have so much to do. Um and we're human. Yes, and our kids do too, and we're not perfect. So I'm going to fail at at least one thing today.

SPEAKER_04 21:50

The thing that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Yeah. The thing that I don't want to fail at is the my connection with my child. You know? Now it's If that means I have to do some damage in repair, then I'm going to do that, you know, because I am human. I am gonna make mistakes, but I'm not going to let that cement and be our the catalyst for our relationship. I'm not going to do that. I will fail at something else, you know, before I let that happen. And I think that that is something that as parents, you know, yes, we need to rest and take care of our bodies and take care of our minds and our souls and be, but we also have to be realistic and realize failure is just a part of being human. Yes, of being a parent. Yep. Like it is just innate. It is what we are meant to do. We are not meant to be perfect, right?

SPEAKER_01 22:53

And you know, it's funny because I was just talking about this with my husband too. It's it's like we both have this desire. It's like, man, I just want to be a perfect parent because I want my kids to never hurt. I want to never be the cause of that hurt, right? And like you were saying, like, I'm so glad you brought it up because there is actually so much beauty in us not doing it perfectly. Because then our children get to see, okay, I've seen mom mess up. I've seen her not beat herself up about it. I now know how to own my own stuff, go to the person, ask for forgiveness, you know, and it teaches them how to do that. That is how children learn. We can talk as much as we want until we're blue in the face on how to share, how to eat at the dinner table, how to apologize. But they pick up what they see and experience. And so I'm just so grateful that even in my mistakes, like those can be taken and used for good. And now my kids have an opportunity to see what it looks like to repair and own your stuff, own your mistakes.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Yeah. And speaking of things that kids are seeing, let's talk a little bit about how social media is influencing our kids earlier than ever. And how can we as parents make our voice louder than the outside noise of social media and maybe even like peers at school?

SPEAKER_01 24:21

Yeah. Well, I mean, my personal thing is like I don't want my kids to have devices until they're like 50. Kidding, kidding. Right. But currently I have a seven to almost 13-year-old, and luckily me and their dad are in agreement that they are not getting devices for a while because there's so many studies on just the impact and from social media and all the things. And you know, it's so sad. Like you see like a group of teenagers hanging out. Like back in the day, like I was the last generation to be raised without devices, right? I didn't get a cell phone until college. And so you drive by teenagers and they're all just looking at their phones instead of like socializing. It's just so heartbreaking. But anyway, it's inevitable. Cell phones, technology, being around peers, being influenced by culture. Even, you know, like me and my kids, we have a movie night on Friday nights, right? There still is culture infused in that. Like messages that I'm not a fan of, or some of them are still going to a public school. So they are getting influenced. And so, like you asked, okay, how as a parent can I be the most powerful voice in their life? And I think it goes back to the beauty of like the parent-child connection when children are born. They rely on us for survival, right? For food, for clothing, all of their needs. Like, and so we get to have this beautiful connection with our child and they look to us. They, we are the first that they look to for their identity, for their belonging. And so, my goal as a parent is it just doesn't stop when they're newborn to two years old, right? It keeps on continuing. And what I have seen is kids will go where they feel loved, accepted, and belong. And so if a kid feels like it's never safe to mess up in my home, if my child feels like they're gonna get shanged for every bad decision that they make, if my child feels unsafe in my home because of just they're not loved, they're conditionally loved and accepted if they're always performing and whatever, they're gonna go to where they feel that acceptance. And maybe they'll turn to social media because that makes them feel good, or maybe that makes them feel more miserable and they're feeling miserable about themselves. So they go to social media to be like, okay, how can I get loved and accepted? Okay, I need to be skinnier, I need to have a bigger chest, I need to have more muscles. And then that's where a lot of self-esteem issues come from, right? And then they go there and then they're getting addicted because these programs are created to create addictions in the users. And so, you know, that's also why children turn into gangs because they feel they belong. It's messed up and worked and twisted, but they go to those groups because that's where they're accepted. And so if we as parents can create that safe space when they're like coming in the door, like, oh, how'd your test go today? Oh, I got a D. Instead of being like, gosh, should have studied harder, huh?

SPEAKER_05 27:12

You're such a dummy.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

I know school's hard for you. You're just hard at school. Instead of speaking these things over and be like, oh man, that's a bummer. Okay, what do you think you can do do that, do differently next time? Oh, well, maybe I could study a little harder, do a whatever. That's a great idea. I know that I've seen when you work hard on stuff and do things again and try again that you do better. I believe in you. Yep. You know, that's simple.

SPEAKER_02 27:37

Those small little shifts can go such a long way.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

Yes. And so our children, they look to us and we are like the first influence on them. But we some of us are lucky, and our children have siblings who also influence them, and they are built-in best friends, is what my mom used to always say about motor. You have two built-in best friends. So, but they it's true because siblings do influence each other. And in a household with multiple children like yours, how do you speak to each child in a way that builds them up individually? And that then builds has them building each other up.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

Right. I mean, as parents, we get to set the tone, right? We get to set what's acceptable in our home and what's not. And it starts with us and how we talk to them, and it starts with them, then it continues with them and how they talk to others. And it was actually really sweet because I have a seven-year-old and an eight-year-old right now. She's about to turn nine, they're about a year and a half apart. And their dynamic is super sweet. So it's a boy girl. And in my home, like we are very intentional with their words, right? Like we are encouraging, whatever. And so it was really sweet because my son was doing Ninja Warrior, and then my daughter was like, I want to do Ninja Warrior too. And so they got to do it for the first time together two weeks ago. And then the coach had said, he had said to me afterwards, he's like, their dynamic was really cool. He's like, they were encouraging each other, encouraging each other the whole time that they were doing their little ninja warrior things. And I was like, success! Like everything that we're doing at home is paying off because there are times where they will be at each other's throats, right? Yeah, mommy took this from me and she ma'am. And it's like, okay, hey, who are we as a family? How do we use our words? We use them to build and encourage and uplet, right? Is what you're saying right now encouraging your sibling or is it hurting your sibling, right? And I feel like we're doing this a lot, right? But it's getting that repetition, it's getting that in their heads of this is how we operate, this is how we talk. And something else I think is really cool too, is like, especially for little kids, when I mean, even bigger kids too, it's like they say something of like, I don't know, I hate you.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

I'm so frustrated at you. It's like, okay, cool.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Is saying I hate, and then it's just walking them through, okay, is saying I hate you encouraging them and uplifting them. No. Okay, well, what is something else that we could say that's not hurtful? Right. And then it's like training them, like, okay, how can we say this in a more productive way? Like, hey, I need my space right now. Can you please go in another room and stop making these noises?

SPEAKER_00 30:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

Way different than I hate you, get out of here, right? So it's like, how can we, and it's helping them again, right? Problem solve, and then giving them the language to use it again next time because it's all muscle memory, right? It's stuff that their brain just has to get used to saying. And I don't know why it's so much harder to get the positive in there sometimes, but in the natural, and the negative just comes naturally, but it's just, you know, step by step. And it varies kid by kid, you know, based on who they are and where they're at in life and how they operate. So it's just really being intentional with each child and encouraging them and the words that they're using. And yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

I totally agree. And my parents always used to say, you know, you can have three children, and when you have multiple children, people look at it and they're like, oh, you're gonna raise them the exact same. My mom always used to say, I have to I approach you guys differently based on who you are.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

Because you're individuals, you're not a group.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Yeah. You know, or one child that may work to do it XY, and another child that may work to do it this way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

She's like, because I'm raising individuals. So I approach you as what you are, yourself.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

You yeah, not your sibling.

SPEAKER_00 31:57

Yeah, and I love that. So with ours, we we do that very much. We recognize where our son is, and then my stepdaughter, you know, they are individuals, we recognize their needs and their capabilities and things like that, and who they are just as people. And we we go from that perspective and we keep moving forward. And speaking of stepchildren, let's talk about blended families since this is something that's close to both of our heart hearts. How do step parents and blended families use this language to create connections instead of division?

SPEAKER_01 32:42

Yeah. I mean, I think blended families, man, it's you're bringing two complete different families together, different ways of I mean, it's just everything, different ways of like bedtime routines and foods that you eat and times of day that you eat. And do you allow snacks before dinner? Do you allow snacks before bed? Right, you've got these two different families and even like different ways of speaking to each other. Like, hey, in our home, we don't say the word hate. In our home, we do, but we just don't use it in a way that's like, I hate you. It's like, oh, I hate spinach or you know, I don't know, whatever. Um, and so it's like, okay, like how can we blend our families together? And I think the biggest opportunity that we have in the power of our words when it comes to two different families is not necessarily like, hey, you do things differently, and so you're different and you're bad or you're wrong because you don't do it the way that we do it. It's like getting our kids to just honor and respect the different choices. And so, for example, this can be even as simple as you have a sibling or a friend who is like, Well, I don't like this movie. It's like, well, I do, and it's like, ooh, I can't believe you don't like this movie, blah, blah, blah. It's like, okay, instead of just like not demonizing them for it, that's a little bit of a stronger word, but strong word, but it's like, okay, well, what is it that you don't like about the movie? Like, let's just be curious about our differences and how we operate. And so I think that can be so powerful in the way that you bring in different families, right? And when you bring a family together, it's like, I mean, for the parents, it's like, okay, well, tell me why you don't allow a bedtime snack before bed. Tell me why you do. Okay. And then I had this one um, I think counselor say that I came across online, and she was like, don't feel like you have to like make the families conform to one way or the other. Because actually that can actually cause a lot of tension, but give grace for the different routines and different schedules and kind of keep your own normals, and then over time it will blend together, right? So right.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

I love that because over time you'll find a natural melting pot of the two. Yeah. Like, so that makes perfect sense. Because I know, you know, as parents, excuse me, we set the tone for everything. So we're gonna set the rules and everything. And obviously with blended families, we're gonna have these conversations as parents on what we allow and things like that. But I do think it's important, especially when it comes to our kids' schedules, like, do we allow a bedtime snack? Because that's something that if your child's been having a bedtime snack every time they go to bed at before they're seven, yeah, or you know, they're seven years old, that's something they're like, wait, wait, hold on. What do you mean you're marrying this lady and I don't get a bedtime snack anymore?

SPEAKER_04 35:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

Like, and then that can build resentment for that step parent, right? Exactly. So, you know, whereas it's something that's simple where it's okay, I don't normally allow that, but we can offer it to the kids, and maybe one of your kids is like, oh my gosh, I would love a bedtime to have. Sweet. Yeah, and the other one, maybe they're like, eh, I'm good. Yeah, and that's not the end of the world. And I don't need one, yeah, you know, but it gives that opportunity for growth and development on that part too, because then your kids have the opportunity to be like, oh my goodness, this is different. And they get curious and they want to partake, or they are okay with who they are and they don't want to partake. Yeah, you know, and such a good life skills, yes. It's it's one of those things where it's their own individualization happening right before your eyes.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

And I love that. So with blended families and any family, we have discipline. So, how do we do discipline versus encouragement? And how do we balance correcting behavior while still protecting a child's confidence?

SPEAKER_01 37:03

So the best parenting book I ever read was and really shaped how I parent my children is called Um Loving Your Kids on Purpose, and it's by Danny Silk. And what I loved about this book is the way that it navigates the parent-child relationship. So, for those people who are people of faith, what he does is he looks at the father, our heavenly father's relationship with our children. And it's how does God the Father parent us? So, and is he standing? Some people think he is like this because of the misunderstanding of who God is, but some people think he's standing over and being like, if you don't obey, I'm gonna zap you with lightning and you're dead. I'm gonna, you know, like send all this bad stuff on your life because you're not obeying me. But the reality is, he's like, I love you so much. And you get to choose. You can choose X, and if you do X, unfortunately, there's going to be natural consequences. Like, if you choose to drink and drive, you're more than likely going to have your body inhibited and you are gonna crash and you could hurt someone and you could kill someone. Or you can choose not to, and you get to be alive, and you don't get to go to prison and you don't have your license revoked, right? So it's like, what are the natural choices that you get to choose? Like, you get to choose. And if we and if you do mess up, he's still there and he's like, oh, that sucks. I'm sorry. I still love you. I have not taken away my presence from you. I haven't taken away my love from you. I'm still here, right? And so that has been how I show up with my children in the best way that I can is like they have choices, right? They get to choose within boundaries, right? I'm not saying like I let my kids, you know, whatever. But it's like, hey, you can turn off, and I don't have video games over here, but we'll use this as an example. You can turn off the video game now. I'm saying dinner's ready, you've got one minute to turn it off. Or if I end up spending my time having to come back here and turn it off for you, then you're gonna lose your video game for the rest of the night. And actually, you've taken my time away from cleaning up in the kitchen a little bit while we've waited for you, so you can actually help me clean up after dinner too. You know, like whatever. And so it's these natural consequences where they get to choose. Hey, you're not gonna be ready to go out the door in time, like, hey, we're leaving in five minutes. When the song is over, we're leaving. You need your socks and your shoes on and your coat. And they don't do that. Guess what? I've had a child go to the store with me with bare feet, you know? And then they never did it again, right? So it's not like I'm punishing them and all of this stuff. It's like, you get to choose home slice, and I love you. And so that is the way that I desire to raise my children because that is real world. You keep showing up to work late, you're gonna lose your job, right? And we want to create this perfect utopia environment where our kids are never mad at us and you know they never get corrected or whatever. And it's like, no, that's not the case. And so, what I want my children to do is I want them to take responsibility for their actions without the shame.

unknown 40:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:18

And take ownership for their poor choices without the scolding and the blame. It's like, you got to choose home slice, but I'm here for you. What can we do differently? What didn't work this last time? And that think that gets them to think and problem solve, right? Like that is so important. And that is how they develop the brain and the confidence and the capability to start navigating the world on their own when we lead and guide them that way.

SPEAKER_00 40:45

Absolutely. And I think it's important to recognize that, you know, many of us are trying to parent differently than how we were raised, or we're breaking a generational, you know, pattern of abuse or something like that. So we're learning to become more intentional and remove the shame and everything. And sometimes it's it's not what we expect because it's like you said, you know, we want this to be roses and utopia. Yeah. And just because you're parenting intentionally, that does not mean it's rosy. You know, it's so it and we can look at that, and sometimes that can be a little triggering because you can feel like, oh my gosh, I'm damaging them. You know, but it's like you said, I think there is a difference. It's it's like how my son, right? He was like, he came home and he told his dad, mom yelled at me because I wouldn't get in the car. And what did my husband do? He didn't go, wow, that sucks, and just leave it at that. He was curious and he said, Yes, why did mom yell at you? Yeah, right? Because he knew there had to have been a reason. Yeah. So why did mom yell at you? Well, I was yelling and freaking out, saying I can't do it. And she was yelling at me to calm down and just listen. The truth comes out. Exactly. You know, but it it in that moment where we were having that exchange, my son was very heated, you know, and I'm like, did I want to yell and raise my voice at him? No. But did I need to shock him to just be like, stop, listen. It's okay, you know, because that's all I needed him to do. Stop panicking. Just but in that moment I felt bad because I'm like, oh, here we are in the middle of this parking lot. Somebody walking by is like, oh my gosh, are they probably getting ready to fight or something? No, I'm just trying to get him to calm down, you know. So you know, because it's not rosy. And I come from trauma, so I know sometimes that can be triggering. You know, I don't want a parent. I I I like to say I'm a yeller because I'm like, I give you like three chances, and then it's like, I'm like, what are we doing, folks? You know, and they're like, why are you raising your voice? And I'm like, really? Because I frustrated, you didn't listen to me the last five times. I'm like, no one can guess why I'm raising my voice. I'm gonna give you two shots at it. Oh my gosh. You know, and and I, you know, I've as the years have gone by, I've gotten better and everything like that about my yelling. But it's one of those things where it's like breaking that generational pattern can be very hard.

unknown 43:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:54

But when you're parenting intentionally, you know, it's like you said, choosing your Words.

SPEAKER_03 44:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:01

From when you're younger, it's easier to know what words to choose because you had somebody breathing them into. That's what we're trying to do. We didn't have that done to us. Right. So we're trying to figure it out as we parent. And in these rough moments, it's hard to be like, okay, what words do I choose? But like how you said, and I loved that with God's grace, He's still there, right? He and my priest always said, God loves us enough, He gave us free will.

SPEAKER_03 44:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

So and as a parent, I kind of I look at that and I always it always makes sense to me now why Mary is was taken from the crucifixion and everything of Jesus. Because as a mother you love your child so much that you give them free will. But you know, not to get too biblical, but Jesus did not want to have his mother see him crucified, something that no mother should ever have to do. So because of a choice he made. Because that was that was what his father called him to do, you know. And as a mother, I think all the time to myself, the greatest love I can give my son is to always be there.

SPEAKER_03 45:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:31

I I will always be here. You have the w free will to do what you want, and I will always be here. I will always be here with a response too. So it's my choice on how I respond to that, you know, and and like sometimes I do really great at that. And sometimes I'm like, okay, we're intentionally parent. Like sometimes in my head, I literally have to tell myself, we are intentionally parenting.

unknown 45:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:00

Instead of counting to 10, I'll be like, what's five nice things I can say right now?

SPEAKER_01 46:04

That's so good.

SPEAKER_00 46:06

Like, um, because there's sometimes I want to be like, you did what? And just like lay and teenagers are not for the people faint of heart. Yes, yes. Let me just tell you. Cause I'm like, whoo, I got an 18-year-old and a 15-year-old, and I'm like, y'all put me through this. Like getting gray hair.

SPEAKER_01 46:31

You said something that I think was really powerful, and I want to highlight that. So use you said that you were self-talking to yourself and being like, I'm intentional parenting right now. Like I'm intentional parenting right now. And I think that's huge.

SPEAKER_02 46:44

Okay, and this is why it is so important as a parent to set our aim. In those moments where you're just so frustrated.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

So during the divorce process, it was very stressful on me. And I noticed my my temper was very short fused with my kids more often than not. And so I was talking with my coach at the time, and I was like, I feel like I'm raising my voice and snapping at them all the time. And I'm like, I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be, you know, raising my voice all the time. And she's like, let me ask you a question. I was like, okay. She's like, you're riding on a pathway and on a bike, and you see a tree that you want to avoid.

SPEAKER_02 47:37

If you start focusing on the tree, where do you think you're gonna go with your bike?

SPEAKER_01 47:45

I was like, well, on the tree. Yeah, because you're like, don't hit the tree, don't hit the tree, don't hit the tree. So what am I doing? I'm looking at the tree. Where do you go when you look? The tree, right? So she's like the same way as you're like, I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be, and it's like, so she asked me, What are you committed to be? She's like, oh, I'm committed to being peaceful. I'm committed to being calm. She was like, Yes. She's like, you're remind yourself in the mornings when you're waking up or what throughout the day, whenever you need it, who are you committed to being and let that be your focus? And that was so pivotal for me because I was like, oh, I have my aim now of who I am committed to be. And you know, they say that even with, you know, people who are trying to stop smoking. You know, you don't just take away something, you need to fill that with something else. So what are you filling that with? And so that's as parents, like what you said was so good. You're like, I'm gonna be, I'm an I'm an intentional parent right now. And so any parent who is seeing something in themselves, they're like, I don't like this way that I'm showing up with my children, okay. I love that you see that. What way are you committed to showing up with your children and have that become your focus? And that will start to transform how you show up with your kids over time.

SPEAKER_00 49:01

Absolutely. And as we're winding down here, if there's one message you want every mom listening to walk away with today, what would it be?

SPEAKER_02 49:13

I would say if you change your words, you can change your child's life. I love remember that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:21

That's beautiful. And where can our listeners connect with you? Grab your book and learn more about using their voice as a parenting superpower.

SPEAKER_01 49:30

The best way to find me is one for your listeners. I would love to give them the first superpower of my book. It's seven simple strategies. And I'm like, us mamas don't have a lot of time. So how can I make this quick and simple and give you the nuggets? So, for you listeners, I'd love to give it to you for free so you can get it via audio or PDF. And then also, I've created a top confidence boosters and busters. So, like we talked about even at the beginning a little bit, there are phrases that we say that we don't realize are actually inhibiting the confidence of our children and holding them back. So I have top confidence boosters and busters. So it's a free guide, free download. So all they have to do is go to podcast.itzjodihill.com. And when they enter their email, they'll get that sent to them. And so that is a great resource. People have loved it. Parents have loved it, moms have loved it. And then online, I put out my content on Instagram. That's the main place I go. So it's at Jody Hill Parenting.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

Awesome. And we will put the show put the links in the show notes for everybody. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. Yes, thanks for having me. I'm again so glad to be a part of what you are doing.

SPEAKER_01 50:42

We love, we love, love, love having you. We'll have to have you back. I love it. Thank you so much, really.

SPEAKER_00 50:56

Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. If any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button. And if you would, please leave us a review. It really helps other tired moms and dads find the show. And if you want to become a supporter of the show or just keep us caffeinated so we can keep bringing the chaos every Tuesday, head over to our Buzzsprout page at mom's brain is a coffee stain.buzzprout.com. Even a couple bucks means the world and helps us keep the coffee and the show flowing. Now you can become a subscriber of the show and get access to new episodes two days early. And don't forget to check us out on social media. You can find us everywhere at mom's brain is a coffee stain. Slide into our DM DMs. Helps if I say that right. Slide into our DMs or email us your best no gilla hacks, cringiest mom moments, or episode requests to mom's brain is a coffee stain at Outlook.com. And don't forget to head over and check out Jody's website at it'sjodihill.com and explore those free resources she is offering to listeners. And follow her on Instagram at Jody Hill Parenting. We will put all links in the show notes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to inquire why my teen just walked by me with a steam cleaner. Hmm, wonder what that's about. Well, love y'all. Mean it. Go sip on for us, and we'll see you next Tuesday.