SPEAKER_00 0:10

If you have ever searched the entire house looking for your phone while you are talking on it.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

If you ever put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge while unloading and putting up the groceries.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

If you've ever sat down to watch a few minutes of TV and passed out from exhaustion on the couch at about 7:30 p.m., then this episode is for you. Let's spill the coffee. Welcome to Mom's Brain as a Coffee Stain. I'm Kayla, your host and current coordinator of two giant teens who think budget is a TikTok zone.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

And I'm Crystal, current taxi cab driver to one teen and chaos coordinator to the other. Today we're talking about life as a caregiver to not only our children, but sometimes our family members too.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Yeah, so you know, um, being a parent and a caregiver could be tough, especially when you're doing them at the same exact time. Um I remember growing up, we were always taking care of like one of the grandparents or something like that. But I didn't have kids. Now my parents, they had kids, and I never really seen how like it was impacting them to shuffle schedules of making sure you took the grandparents to doctor's appointments, and then the kids, you know, we had doctor soccer, whatever it would be. And, you know, after I had Ethan, my grandpa on his final days, he was actually living with us. So I would get off work and he would be home and he would need something, so I'd have to take care of him. And I had a newborn baby, and I was, and it it really dawned on me like, oh my goodness, like this is just so much to do. And, you know, I'm grateful because my grandpa got to hold, you know, his great-grandson before he passed away. But at the time I was just so exhausted and frustrated. And looking back, I can feel very horrible about it because sometimes I was like snappy with my grandpa, like, okay, wait a minute, or something like that. Because I'm like tired, the baby's screaming, he wants a bottle, and my grandpa needs like an insure shake or something. And it's like, ah, you just want to go outside and like close your eyes when it's like, you know. And it's it's one of those things where now I'm looking back, I would give anything to have another one of those moments. Um, but you really hindsight is really 2020. You know, yes, in the moment it feels very daunting and exhausting and everything else, but there is a beautiful side to it too, because you do get to spend that time with that family. And while it can be very tiring and you it's sometimes push you to your wit's end, you know, you're you're taking care of family, or sometimes even it could be a friend, but you're being compassionate and making sure you're meeting their needs, and really it it meets something, it meets a need inside of you too.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Yeah, absolutely. So um, yeah, some people know, most don't, that we care for a family member ourselves. We've been doing it for almost six years now. Um, and the boys have watched the entire process. Um, I can say that they have all handled it pretty well, to be honest. They were older though, than Ethan was when you went through that, you know. So that um in some ways is helpful, and then in some other ways that can also be trying, but in a different way. Um, but I can say that it has taught the boys a lot. And I think that when you're caring for someone, it's a learning process for you and for your family, your immediate ones with you. And it's a learning process for the one you're caring for too, because if they're needing cared for, that means their life has drastically changed and it's a process. Um, it did teach the boys patience, kindness, loyalty, responsibility, um, so many other things too, to be quite honest. I think the biggest challenge is finding balance, and I think that's something that's really important to talk about because life can get in the way, right? Your day-to-day activities. And the more you add on, the more lost you can kind of get. And you just get in a routine of things, a schedule, and you kind of forget to take those extra moments and really spend them in with the ones that you know need it the most. I think it's important to if you have small ones, maybe not small ones, teenagers, no matter what, whoever is in your life that is immediate like that, I think it's important to make sure that they know that they're loved and they're important too. And I think that we lose track of that sometimes. Um, our family member, I won't go into great detail, um, because it's not really my business to tell, but he does require a lot of care. And, you know, there's been days that we get up and we care for him, we do everything we're supposed to do, and then we're so exhausted and we're so tired, and you kind of just forget to take a breath, take a breather, and chill out. And I think it's really important. I think it's important for the ones around you, and it's important for yourself too. You can't lose yourself in the process. So I think it's super important to remember that. Just don't lose yourself. Make sure you make time for you, make time for your little ones, your teenagers, no matter how old they are. And don't be afraid to ask for help. I think that's a huge one I had to learn because I I am very bad about asking for help. You know, I always say, I got it, I can figure it out, I'll do it. And I really needed to learn to ask for help.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Yeah, absolutely. And I love what you said too, is because you can focus so much sometimes on giving care to the family member that's requiring you to give care because, like you said, their life has changed dramatically. And I can remember when great-grandma was passing away, um, she needed so many different things. And, you know, the focus would shift to her, but it was still important to make sure, like, even though we were taking great grandma out to do things, we were taking our grandma, like keeping those normal dates that we had with our grandma and doing that, taking the kids and still doing something with the kids. That way it wasn't, you know, we just drop the ball. And it's like you said, like the kids were great, you know, Ethan, especially when great-grandma was passing away, he would go over and he would sit there and do puzzles. Like she loved to do puzzles, but towards the end, she had a hard time moving her hands and speaking. Um, so he would just get put her puzzle board out in front of her and you know, let her pick which puzzle and then, you know, put it together on the board. He'd be like, Oh, you want me to put this here? Oh, okay, you know, like, oh, that one didn't fit grandma. Um, so it was important because he he learned that even though she wasn't the same as what he remembered, she was still his grandma, you know, his great grandma, and she still loved him no matter what, her circumstances just changed, you know, and it was important that he show her the same love he would always show her. Um, but with that being said, it's like you said, you have to ask for help. So sometimes there's gonna be those times where you have to be a caregiver and you have to be one place with, you know, who you're taking care of, and something is required for one of your children. You know, you need that team member or teammate, I should say, not team member, that can be like, okay, you know, like I can go to school and maybe the kid called sick from school and you're an hour away at a doctor's appointment, you know. You need that person that you can be like, I'm so sorry. Could you go pick up, you know, Ethan from school? And it seems like a little thing, but you feel horrible sometimes just asking because you're like, oh, I'm I'm burdening them with this. Yeah. But really, you you know, it's totally it's not a burden to ask somebody for help, you know, it's one of those things like we all need help. All of us at some point in time need help with something.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Or sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

And it's, you know, it's one of those things where especially if you're in a relationship and you've decided to take care of somebody. Um, or for example, if you're in a relationship and you have children and you've decided to take care of somebody, that really is more of a family decision. Um, because it does alter everyone's life who's in the house. You know, you don't really expect the kids to help out, but it might be instead of actually giving care, it might be one of those things where now they switched the laundry a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:29

Like you're like, hey, can you take the trash out a little bit more or something like that? It still impacts their life, you know. So it is one of those things where it truly is like a family decision before you become a caregiver to make that leap. But even when you when you do, it's like, oh, we can do this. Yeah, totally. This this is gonna be fine. Um, I don't think anybody ever realizes exactly how hard it's gonna be until you start doing it.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Yeah, and see, and that's something that we went through. It was drastically different from, you know, we did sit down and have a conversation first, me and my husband, and then when we kind of broke the kids in and we talked to the kids about it, um, they're very close with this person, so of course they were a hundred percent on board. I was really lucky, like I said, that the boys were much older, so I didn't have a tiny one that I had to really look after. Um, they needed looked after and taken care of, but not the same as like a toddler or a little baby, you know. So and it was very different. We were under the impression of a certain set of circumstances that we would need to do on a daily basis, and when then when he came, it was completely different. So not bad, and not you know, in any bad way by any means, but different. So, and then it took us a long time too to learn how to properly care. And I think that well, care for him, to be honest. I think that people really get lost in that. You know, it is overwhelming sometimes, depending on the level of care that someone needs. Um, a lot of times when someone is needing care, the outcome may not be better than you know what it is. We are lucky in the sense that it can be better, right? It can get better. It's just the circumstance of what it is right now. So there's different ways to look at things. The boys were really great, even about just spending time with them, talking to them, hanging out with them, playing with them, you know, and like I said, we've been doing this for six years now. And Jordan is 16, so he was about 10 when this happened. And Jordan is amazing with him. All of the boys are. He's got two, well, he's got three boys, two are around pretty frequently. The other one, um, he lives a little bit away, so he's not around as much, but they all come, they see their dad, you know, they hang out with them. They're all really great. But it is a learning curve, you know, it's very much a learning curve. My oldest one is amazing. I mean amazing with him. You know, they all are, but I've watched all of the boys learn different ways to interact with him, learn ways to hang out with him, talk to him, you know, help like maybe give him a bite of something, you know, and it's pretty amazing to see your children be able to adapt to that. Um, and then we have discussions, especially when they were younger, about how they felt about it. Um, how they felt with seeing um him on a daily basis and taking care of him and the things that you know were very different. And we always tried to keep an open line of communication. I always wanted them to know that 100%, no matter how they felt or how they were thinking, they could always come talk to us and we would hear them out and we would listen. I think that's huge. And I mean, I really huge. I can't stress enough how important communication is because they have feelings and they have thoughts and they need to be able to express them and know that they're heard.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that's so important because while you're the caregiver, you go through a range of emotions. And it's like you said, there is that learning curve. And sometimes while you're learning, you like really beat yourself up because you're like, oh, I should have done better. Like you feel bad because when you finally really get into the swing of things and you get you're like, oh my goodness, it was it took me six months to get here, and that that whole six months, I'm sorry, man. But you know, like you kind of beat yourself up for that. But but it's important too when you have kids to look at that and like you said, have that open line of communication because it can be very depressing. Sometimes it can cause, you know, anger. So you there's all a range of emotions that kids can go through, and that's okay. But they should be able to vocalize like, uh, hey, maybe they're irritated. Mom, I'm irritated. I didn't want to do this today. I feel like you prioritized this over me. Um, and it made me mad or upset me, you know, and you you that's okay. That's okay for them to say, right, you know, like it's okay, it's better that they do say it than try to stuff it down and just swallow it because, oh, well, so and so needs mom more than I do. Right.

unknown 14:46

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

You know, and I remember growing up, sometimes um me and my sisters, we would have events at the same time. And it was always one of those, like, I'd be frustrated if my mom like picked to go to one of my sisters' events instead of mine. And she's like, Oh, well, we rotated, you know, but it was it was so funny because like uh one of my grandmas would be at my event if my mom couldn't be there, you know, but it was just still like you wanted your mom to be there, and my mom always did. She rotated events if they were lined up on top of each other, you know, and it's the same thing, you know, when but it's a day-to-day basis when you're home, you know, so it you can really feel like the care that you're providing to somebody is being given top priority over everything else in your life. And it's like you said, you have to find balance because uh it's not saying, oh, don't give that person care. Absolutely give that person care, right?

unknown 15:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

You just have to be able to find balance. And like you said, if it requires asking for help, then ask for the help. So that way you can still be there for your other priorities in the home, such as your, you know, your spouse, your kids, whatever it may be. I think that's really important to kind of like balance, you know, but it can be hard to do. You know, here's my worst thing. Uh, one time, and I'll never forget this. My great-grandma, she used to love to go to Dollar Trees. Okay. So she had um, she had like cancer removed on her face. So we are driving back and forth from her like cancer appointment, and there's this big new Dollar Tree that they built. And it was probably the largest Dollar Tree I've ever seen. So I'm like, okay, let's go in there, you know, get her walker out and everything. And it was one of those ones that flips down and it has a seat. So if she like felt tired, she could take a minute. Um, so we're walking around. I we probably had to have spent like an hour and a half in this floor. So I was like, okay, grandma, come on, let's let's go, you know. I gotta, I gotta get the kids off the bus. Like, right. So get her back in the car and everything. She is so happy. She bought, I don't know why that woman always bought batteries from the Dollar Tree. She'd buy like a bag full of batteries. And then she'd be like, You need some batteries, baby. Like, uh, okay, grandma. Nobody's gonna need it. Still I'm finding triple A's that my grandma bought. Like, but so you know, we get her home and everything, and I get her all situated. And that night she ended up having a stroke.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

And I felt so bad.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Because I'm like, oh my gosh, did I let her push her body too hard? She was walking around for so much time. And when we were at the doctor's office, she refused to let me park at the front. She wanted to walk from where I parked, you know, like she was being stubborn, and I was like, okay, grandma, whatever. Should I put my foot down? You know, like I felt so bad because I'm like, did I preemptively push her into this? You know? And of course, her neurologists and her doctors are like, um, that's not how strokes work. Right, right. Like she didn't have a hand stroke. Right. But you you still feel very bad because it's like I said, she was she had a walker and a wheelchair. She didn't really go for like long walks. And this was a huge store, you know, and she hour and a half was walking all around it. You know, I just was like, oh my goodness. And you really do, you beat yourself up over it. And I remember my son when he found out she was in the hospital, he was like, it's okay, mom, you didn't you didn't do it. She'll come home. And I'm like, thank you, you know, you know, and that was like that was his grandma E, and he was little E. Um, he like he adored her, you know, and he's like, she'll come home. And and she did, she did come home after the stroke. Um, but it was just one of those things where it's like I I really was beating myself up, and it took him, I think, oh my goodness, I think he was eight, nine at the time, for my son to be like arm over my shoulder, it's okay, mom, she'll come home.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Isn't that amazing though? Like if you really think about it, you know, at that age, and that's how um Jiger and Jordan were in Wayne and Mark too, you know, to be so l young and to recognize that and to want to make you feel better only speaks to your parenting, right? And that it speaks to your character because the kids soak it up, right? And I remember, and Jiger will probably kill me for this, so but I don't know if he listens, so I'll try to get away with it. Um shortly after his uncle came to live with us, you know, his uncle is the family member that we care for. Um, and I was learning everything that I possibly could without going into too much detail. He has a brain injury. Um, and I was so incredibly stressed beyond belief, and I just wanted to know how to take care of him the best way, what was the best way to do things, what did he need, was making sure I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing and more. And Jigger was about 14, and he asked me to go out on the sunroom and talk to him, and it was about 10 o'clock at night. I was exhausted. I said, Yeah, you know, we'll go out there. And um, at 14, he got tears in his eyes, and he started thanking me for taking care of his uncle. And just I started boo-hooing like the biggest baby because his heart was so pure, and he knew we were tired, he knew we were stressed, and we wanted to do the best that we could, and he thought of it at 14 years old to think like, hey, it's important for me to say thanks, Mom. And that touched me, and that's something I'll never forget. You know, I will never forget that. And I think as parents, we don't give our kids enough credit sometimes, you know, like we we don't really realize where they are mentally all the time. So you know I'll ask the boys all the time, hey, you know, what do you think about this? Hey, what do you think about that? Hey, you know, it is like let's talk. What's going on with you? You know, and we just try to keep open. In communication. Um, and that's always something too. I strive to be better at because I think no matter how good you think you are at it, you probably could improve still, you know. So absolutely that's a big thing. It's a big, big thing.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Yeah, I totally agree. And and it's like you said, and first of all, Jury is so sweet. I I just love that kid. Um yeah, he's like the sweetest. But it's it's those moments like the throwing the arm over the shoulder, the saying thank you for taking care of somebody that I mean, let's be real, we all love them. Yeah, you know, and but to him, he's like, he's seen. He's seen the exhaustion, and he was like, thank you. You know, thank you for taking this on. And it's like you said earlier, like that speaks to your guys' parenting because he's able to recognize that. And it's so funny because I always look at Ethan and uh, you know, I'm like, recently he started driving, and I'm like, I don't know if this boy got two brain cells to rub against especially now that he started driving. I'm like, oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

Um so for you guys that don't know, she actually came up to visit her and Ethan, and we had a like hilarious conversation about Ethan driving. It was great.

unknown 23:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

And and it's just one of those things, it's like, I love the kid, but it's certain situations, I'm like, mmm, yeah. But other situations, it's like his compassion can really shine through, you know, and it's funny because like I can joke with him about his driving, but then there are moments where I'm I want to build his confidence, right? I don't want him to be discouraged, so I want to build his confidence. And so we have to have a different type of communication when we're we're trying to do that. And it's it's hard sometimes because sometimes I just want to laugh, like, dude, you did almost take out three mailboxes a day. You know, but I'm like, you know what, buddy, we're really gonna get better at those right-hand turns. Yeah, right. You're gonna, you're gonna do it, I promise.

unknown 24:15

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:17

And it's just you have to be able to just be so open with them, especially when you're caring for somebody else and you have so many priorities going on. And uh, take care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself, you have to be able to give your second yourself a second to breathe, to decompress, touch grass, do what you gotta do. Cause if not, you you're no good to anybody if you're not fully charged.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Yeah. And this is that for me. This is a big deal. Sitting here, and I don't know how much we've ever really told the listeners, but me and Kayla have known each other for a really long time. Um, and her son is my nephew, and we go way, way, way back. And but we have always gotten along so well. And we went for a while and we didn't talk a whole lot, but when we come back together, it seems like the conversation just flows, and it makes me feel so much better to have someone to call and they can relate to me, they can advise me, and if I'm wrong, she'll tell me, and if I'm right, she'll tell me. And I love and same here, right? We bounce off each other, you know, like it's pretty awesome. And that's part of taking care of me is I live in a house full of males, and I kid you not. There is six of us at this point that on a consistent basis stays in this home, and I am the only female, they are all like my husband, and then teenagers and my brother-in-law and me. That's it. And I need a female, right? Like we need someone, like we need someone that understands, and it's so great having that.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Absolutely, and and it's like between doing the podcast or just calling or just texting, even like, oh, you ain't gonna believe this. I need that, I need to step away. Sending a gift of like a bomb going off, like that's how I feel for the moment. No explanation needed. No, and it's just one of those things where it is so important to take that beat and be like, okay, I'm gonna talk to somebody I need to talk to. All right, today we're gonna do hacks and resources for surviving caregiver burnout. I'll start. One, make sure to take time for yourself. You cannot care for someone else if you do not take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

And two, ask for some help and accept help when and where you can. From asking your partner to run and pick up the grocery order, delegating who vacuums the living room floor. Any little bit helps. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Three, be realistic, set boundaries about how much you can add to your plate and set that boundary. Don't push the boundary to take on more. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

And four, talk about it, don't stuff your feelings down. If you're feeling overwhelmed, find a person you can vent to and open up regarding life. It may be your significant other, a friend, or even a therapist. Just make sure it's a trusted person you feel safe opening up with. I have crystal.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

I have Ala. Yes. Number five, make sure you are eating, sleeping, and getting exercise. As important as it is to take care of your mental health, excuse me, health as a caregiver. It is equally important to take care of your physical body. Eat the regular meals, aim for 68 hours of sleep, and move that body, even if it's only for 10 or 15 minutes a day while you go for like a walk.

SPEAKER_01 28:13

Absolutely. Number six, celebrate small victories. It may be a day with no accidents, spills, or backward shirts, and that's something to celebrate. Enjoying those small wins will help you combat the dark feelings. So instead of saying, I didn't get the chance to rearrange the living room today, say to yourself, hey, we made it through all of the meals and snacks today, and not one spill happened.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

Yes, and they add up fast. Number seven, utilize local resources such as caregiver programs, senior centers, and support groups. If you don't know where to start, stop by your local library, your local probate office, they can help point you in the right direction too.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Absolutely. And number eight, utilize national resources such as Caregiver Action Network, AARP, or the Annie E. Casey Foundation. I found a ton of information online. There's so much information out there. And one that we didn't mention yet is even Facebook groups. So there's other people that are going through the same thing you are. Don't think that you're alone. And believe me, they have information you don't have, and you probably have information they don't have. Utilize those groups.

SPEAKER_00 29:32

Absolutely. And it's like we've been saying today, guys, you know, if you're a caregiver, you've got a lot on your plate, especially when you're a caregiver and a parent. You're pulling double duty. Sometimes it feels like you're pulling all the duty. And that's okay. You're it's okay to have those moments, but don't stuff it down. Find somebody trusted that you can talk to. Take a moment to touch some grass and ask for help when you need it. You know, it's okay. We all go through these moments where we feel like we just can't keep going on. That that kind of means you need a break. Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. If any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button.

SPEAKER_00 30:28

And if you would, please leave us a review. It really helps other tired moms and dads find the show.

SPEAKER_01 30:35

All right. And if you want to become a supporter of the show or just keep us caffeinated so we can keep bringing you the chaos every Tuesday, head over to our Buzz Sprout page at Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain forward slash buzzsprout.com. Even a couple bucks means the world and helps us keep the coffee and the show flowing.

SPEAKER_00 30:54

Seriously, your support lets us keep ranting without going completely broke on creamer. And don't forget to check us out on social media. You can find us everywhere at Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Slide into our DMs or email the best no guilt hacks, cringiest mom moments, or even your episode request to mom's brain is a coffee stain at Outlook.com.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

We will put the links for avoiding caregiver burnout on and our BuzzProut supporter page where you can now subscribe and get your episode two days early in the show notes. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to switch the laundry that I have now rewashed twice because I keep forgetting about it.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

And I'm off the fold the never ending laundry pile. Love y'all. Mean it. Go sip one for us. And we'll see you next Tuesday.