SPEAKER_00 0:10

If you ever scream, why is it wet in here? while staring at the bathroom floor?

SPEAKER_01 0:16

If you ever buy new socks and immediately find the old ones in the dryer with holes.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

If you ever put something down for a second and it disappears forever, then this episode is definitely for you. Let's fill the coffee. Welcome to Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain. I'm Kayla, your host and current coordinator of two giant teens who think budget is a TikTok sound.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

And I'm Crystal, current taxi cab driver to one teen and chaos coordinator to the other. Today we're talking about appropriate conversations to have around your children. What should they be hearing versus things they may be hearing?

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Yeah. So 35-year-old Kayla is a much different person than a 30-year-old Kayla, and definitely different than a 20 and 25-year-old Kayla. And in my past, I definitely may have inadvertently let things slip out my mouth. Then I wished wouldn't have. Definitely. And there may have been little ears around. You know, but there's there's one thing I really did try to do, and it was to never talk bad or allow someone else to talk bad about Ethan's biological dad. Because that's just not something that was conducive to raising him. Um, now I'm not saying that I was perfect and like I wouldn't get frustrated and call him a bad name or something like that. Of course I did, and that was still wrong. Um, but as far as like somebody just putting him down or anything like that, that's not something that I ever wanted to play with. Um and I can actually recall a time around Ethan's birthday where I was trying to convince he who shall not be named uh to come to the party. And we ended up in the screaming match, and I had slammed the phone down, and I almost broke the phone. And I turned around because I was in the kitchen. So I had turned around, and when I turned around, Ethan was right there in the doorway to the kitchen. So I don't know how much of the conversation Ethan had caught, but I do know he caught seeing me upset. And I was so mad that I had tears in my eyes because I was trying to hold it together and keep my rage under control. And here he is just looking up at me, wanting me to open his juice. And he didn't understand why I had been yelling on the phone or why I had tears in my eyes, but he knew one thing. I was on the phone with his biodad, and now I'm angry. That's that's it. Um, so you know, I opened his juice, I apologized to him, and he had asked, you know, why are you mad at daddy? And I lied, and I told him, I'm like, sorry, buddy, I'm not mad. Mommy was just upset over something else, but I'm not mad at him, you know, because I never wanted Ethan to think there was problems between me and his his biological dad. Like, that's not for kids. I've always felt that way. Um, and he just didn't need to be in the middle of it. And um, I knew one day Ethan would form his own opinion. Um, he would be old enough to look at, you know, how he his relationship is with him and go from that. I didn't want him to look at my relationship or the things that me and his biological dad had said back and forth to color his view and make him feel like he had a pick a side or anything like that. Um, well, anyway, a few months later I had gotten hurt at work and I needed surgery and it forced us to move out of the city. So instead of fighting and arguing, I like ghosted everyone, which I'm sure you remember because you were also one of the ones I ghosted. He was. Yes. I mean, I was.

unknown 4:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

I just disappeared with Ethan because I really honestly at that time I was hurt and I just couldn't handle the fighting anymore. I didn't want to fight about it. Like, this is what I had to do. I had to take care of Ethan and I was hurt. Um and do I regret doing that? Absolutely. Like, do I know that I handled it wrong? Yeah, and it didn't take me five, 10 years to get down the road to be to look back and say, oh, you handled that wrong. No, I knew pretty immediately I handled it wrong, but I also didn't know how to rectify it. So I was just like, ooh, let's put that off. Because I was immature. And at first, you know, I did. I felt justified because I'm like, well, if his dad can't even come to his birthday party, why am I bending over back for him to see him? You know, but that still didn't matter because it wasn't just his dad that I ghosted. You know, he had you, he had his uncles, he had his aunts. Um, and the reality is, like I said, it was childish. It was so childish. And did I need to have a conversation? Yes. Did that conversation need to be held in front of Ethan? No. Um and when I look back, I wonder just how believable I truly was to Ethan when I lied straight to his face and I told him I wasn't mad.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Yeah. Well, you know, I think a lot of people have conversations in front of their kids that can cause some issues. Um, I won't say that I think that it's always on purpose. I think that sometimes people may not even realize the effects that it can have on their kids, you know. And here's the thing though, every child is different, right? Some things are always just going to be inappropriate, and some things just need to be in the right tone or the right word choice.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

You know, in today's world, kids tend to be in adult conversations way more than they were when we were younger. I was never allowed to be in the room when there was adults conversating. Um, and I think that in all honesty, we all need to admit that we do make mistakes as parents, and what is important is doing what we need to do to correct it.

unknown 6:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

So I think that's normal for everyone, you know. Like I do remember that happening, and I was upset. I was hurt, is what I was.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Um, but at the same time, right, and I was a much younger crystal than two, right? So after I took some time and I I thought about it, and I kind of understood why. I didn't like it, but I understood it. You know what I'm saying? So I think that the important thing for a lot of people is is, you know, people we need to put our pride to the side for one, and understand, excuse me, that when we're we're doing something we shouldn't, or we're saying something we shouldn't, like our kids are definitely going to pick that up.

SPEAKER_02 7:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

And one thing that I always really did admire about you was that you always did push for Ethan to have a relationship with his dad. And you know, you it it was actually got to the point where remember I had told you, Kayla, your hands are tied. You can do so much, right? And I won't blame it everything on one particular person by any means, but at the end of the day, like we can only do what we can do, right? And I honestly I think in the spirit of being honest, when the boys were younger, myself and their dad, we went through a rough patch, right? We had talks about splitting up, and unfortunately, it was usually when we were in an argument, and some of those talks were in front of the boys. And I honestly was very young and immature, and I didn't realize that it was even taking a toll on them until Jager told me that, you know, mommy, I don't want you guys to split up. I don't want you to get a divorce.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:41

And at that point I knew he had heard us for sure, and I couldn't believe that I honestly let them hear that. And it broke my heart, right? And that's when I think I I actually can remember the point that I I decided, like, I'm not doing that ever again. I'm not ever gonna let my kids hear that, right? And I made a point after that to just make sure that we were alone when we were having adult conversations, and also with that being said, um, you know, we grew, right? We've been together for a long time. We've been together since 2006 and married since 2009. And it's 2026. We've been together a long time, we've both grown and matured some. And do we still, you know, get aggravated? Yeah, sure. We're human beings. But we've also learned to take time and calm down and get our head on right, right? So that we're not upset with each other like that. And I will say this though, we're all human beings. For everybody listening, whether you're a mom, you're a dad, you're a guard, whatever it is, okay? Maybe even if you don't have kids, because believe it or not, we do have some listeners that really don't have kids, but they want kids, right? Understand that you're gonna make mistakes. But the important part is to correct it. Have those tough conversations and be able to say, hey, listen, mommy or daddy, whoever, you know, whichever you are, you know, I made a mistake, right? I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry. And your kids are going to then see the maturity level that it takes, right, to admit that you've made a mistake, and they're gonna know that it's okay to admit you made a mistake and to fix it.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

And we know our own time, they'll know that it's okay to have conflict, like because that's something that I think a lot of people we try to shy away from. Um, is we shy away from having conflict. And there's an appropriate way to have conflict. And it's okay if you handle it poorly and you tell your child, like, look, I'm so sorry, mommy should not have said that, you know, and you re make a recovery effort, you know, and you still handle the situation with their dad or their mom, whatever, whoever it may be that you had the conflict with, but you finish that conversation behind closed doors because resolving conflict is just as important as having the appropriate conversation. We don't want kids to think it's okay to sweep things under the rug. Because that's all that's gonna do is build the resentment and then back. And, you know, I feel like a lot of the times I know when um I was younger, I really just shot off at the mouth a lot. I never like my first marriage, I never really kept anything down. So it was like, oh, I just want to make him happy and da-da-da-da. And no, I didn't really do that. Um, I was more or less like, Ethan was my world, and you either get on board or you get off board, which I'm not saying was wrong, but at the same time, I didn't really give my marriage space. And then when we separated and then we tried again, that's when I tried to give space and for our marriage. And at that point, it was just forget about it. Um but, you know, it's one of those you live and you learn, you you make the mistake, and that's okay. I know it's like you said earlier, you can only do so much. So if I'm willing to work on my marriage, that's great. But if the other person's not willing, there's nothing you can do. But we can still be active and good parents. And I think that's an important thing to distinguish is you know, just because you don't want to be married to somebody doesn't mean that somebody stops being the other person's parent. You know, like I've said on the show before, like Andrew is Ethan, you know, calls him dad, whatever. Ethan's known him since he was seven, you know, and going through teenage years and everything else, it's just it's it's a different relationship, you know. And I think at the same time, because my marriage to him is so different. Do we have I come out of pocket at him? Yes. Has my son probably heard it? Probably. You know, has Andrew ever came out of pocket at me? No, because he doesn't come out of pocket. He's so laid back and Tom. I swear that guy thinks he's like on the island 24-7. He just he's like so laid back and chill. Like if you just put a hammock there, he would just be there. But made me injured when I grew up. Yeah. That's the exact reason why I come out of pocket sometimes, though. Cause I'm like, dude, I've told you to take this trash off 500 million times. But, you know, he knows his wife is high strung, you know, and I also think at the same time, too, that he gives me that grace because he knows that I'm that like a high strung individual. And I give him grace because I know he's a little bit slower paced and laid back and everything like that. Um, do we try tend to have conversations? Yes, we have important conversations. We take take it away from the kids, you know, and we try to do our very best about keeping that separate because we do find that that's important. Whether it's we have to go for a walk around the block or, you know, we wait until we say, hey, can we table this to the weekend when the kids are at the grandparents?

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

You know, it it just is what it is. Like I feel like because I've matured a lot, um not enough, clearly, but but a lot more than I used to be, you know, and I do. I look at my husband and I I look at it in a very biblical sense of like, that's my husband. It's my job to help him reach heaven. Um, but it's also my job to make him happy. Just like it's my job to make sure my kids are healthy and safe, it's my job to make him happy and successful and everything else. Um, so I look at my marriage more biblically than maybe what I did at 19, you know?

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

And I think that keeping conflict in the relationship isn't a bad thing. It's just keeping the appropriate conversation about the conflict. That's the important thing.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Yeah. I think you're right. Because in all honesty, just to be completely honest and real, like we're human beings, right? We are not always going to see eye to eye on everything. But I've always tried to teach, well, I won't say always, right? Because once upon a time, you know, 20-year-old Crystal got married, and 20-year-old Crystal wasn't as mature as what she should have been, you know, being in a relationship, like getting married and doing all those things. But I can say that in all honesty, I I'm matured a lot. Um, we don't argue anymore. We've kind of gotten through that. But that's because we've learned to take some space, cool down, and honest to goodness, try to look at it from the other person's point of view, right? Oh, if that was me, what would I say? Well, how would I feel, you know, and then apply that to the situation, right? And I've always tried to teach the boys the same thing, right? You know, they get into an argument with their cousin or each other, they're brothers, right? They're only three years apart. And for you parents thinking that, you know, you're gonna have two little babies and they're gonna be best friends, probably not. Okay, like it will probably get there at some point. When they're not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, right? Um, especially I I can only speak for boys, right? I have two boys, but I have a ton of awesome nephews, mind you, all boys, and I will be here and tell you that they will argue, right? So I that's a side note. Anyways, getting back to it. Um, I try to teach them that handling your conflict appropriately, right, is the most important thing. You're never just not gonna have problems, right? Because it's a part of life. But how you handle those problems is what makes the difference, right? So when you can model healthy disagreements and healthy conflict resolution, your kids are going to see that and learn it instinctively, right? That's our environment molds us, right, into who we are, whether good or bad. And whether you're like, hmm, I don't want to be that way, so I'm gonna do the opposite. Or, oh, I really like that, and that's how I want to be, right? Right. I grew up, my parents didn't argue ever, right? And I I'll say for the sake of honesty, I had a stepdad, but like that was dad, right? Caitlin knows him, that is dad, and they never argued, right? Like they talked about it. I could never I think I've said before, I don't remember one time them having an argument. And I didn't appreciate it as a child because I didn't have anything to compare it to, right? But growing up and maturing and being in a marriage myself and having to learn how to handle different situations and what was good and what was bad, you know, I learned that I looked back and I really appreciated my parents and honestly, just the effort that it probably took. I won't tell you they never had disagreements because they were human beings too, right? I'm sure they did. They just didn't do it in front of me, right? And honestly, I wish that I would have done that from the get-go for the boys, but I didn't. I can't change it, but what I can do is make it better in the future, right? Absolutely. So we've gotten very, very good about taking some time to cool down both of us, both of us taking time to try to look at it from the other person's point of view, and then coming back together, apologizing, not being too proud to do that, and talking it out and coming having a solution. And to also let our kids know that we both love them, right? He's an amazing husband, he's an amazing dad. Like, I would never want my kids, my kids look at him to this day, and they will tell you they want to be like their dad. Ginger goes to work and literally will be like, Yeah, so and so seeing you, you know. They're like, dude, your dad's arms are huge, and Jinger's like, Yeah, mine's like that too, you know. And they're hardworking because he's hardworking and they've seen that, right? So what we do and what we say in front of our kids, it models to them in all honesty, and we don't even realize it until they've already got it in them and they're growing up. And both of my boys, Jordan's a lot like me emotionally. Um, Jiger is a lot more like Jeremy, but there Judger gets things from me, he gets things from his dad, same with Jordan. And I think it's important, like everybody out there that's listening, no matter how old your child is, okay, understand that they are looking to you and they are picking up your habits, good habits or bad habits. So honestly, think about what you want for your child in life and what it's gonna take for them to get that, right? Like, oh, you want them to be financially free, financially stable. Well, that means that they're going to have to work, right? And that means if you want them to have a good, a good motivation to work, a good work drive, they need to see it. They need to see how important it is. So, and that goes for many, many other things too in life. It took Crystal a long time, right, to mature up enough to realize all of that. And um, I'm a work in progress myself. I will always be a work in progress. I will not lie to you. Um, I'm the kind of person that I feel like I'll be learning until the day I die, to be quite honest. I will always have something to learn. Um, but I also think that everybody has something that they can teach too.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

So I agree. Me and Kayla have um bounced ideas off of each other, me and some other people, and like Kind of all come together. Hey, what do you think about this? Or what do you think about that? Don't be afraid to say, hey, listen, I need some help with this. You know, can you help me out and give me an idea? Um, I think that's healthy, right? It's yeah, and no lie.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

I know I've called you before, before I've even brought it to Andrew, and I'm like, okay, am I being dramatic? Listen to this, and I'll like go through it. And like I've done the same thing to my mom. And like sometimes you guys are like, you're being ridiculous. Hold on, Caitlin. You know, but at the same time, it's like, okay, if my husband tells me I'm being ridiculous, oh my goodness, let's lay down. This is this is gonna be a two-hour conversation. We're just gonna keep circling the block, you know. But at the same time, if if you or my mom tell me, like, look, you're being ridiculous. Do you have an issue with it? Sure. Does it need to be a big deal? No. Right. You know, like, or if it is something that's a big deal, you guys might tell me, yeah, I can see why that's a problem. Uh, I wouldn't approach it like that though. Right. You know, you're coming off very critical or whatever it may be. And I think it's important to have people in your life that you can, before you even say anything, you can pitch it off of them and just be like, am I crazy? Right. Am I doing too much? Then does that? That is, and to me, that's growth because younger Kayla, she would have never done that. She would have she would just yeah, I right out the mouth lying. No filter. She is not lying. Now I'm like, okay, let's consider if this is too much.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

I know when I my phone that's like lights up and it's Kayla, I'm like, Jeremy, give me a minute. Like I got who's on the phone? It's Kayla. Okay, tell her I said hi and I love all of them. I'm like, okay, like all right, because it's like, uh, this I gotta I gotta process this. But you know, it's funny is it's the same, and that's one thing. Like when you asked me if I wanted to do this podcast, I was super hyped for it because we've always been able to talk to each other and be honest with each other too, you know, and just say, hey, listen, like you're being, for the sake of the podcast, a knucklehead, right? Yeah, and not be offended, right? Be like, uh, well, I probably am then, right? Like, let's look at this. Like, and I love that. And there's only a handful, not even a handful of people that I can do that with, you being one, right? So, and my best friend Jamisa, Jamisa, if you hear this, love you. Like, I can call her and you and and Jenny and and all these people and be like, hey, listen, am I crazy? Like, and nine times out of ten, they're like, uh, you're doing too much, you know? Probably look at it a different way, right? And then, oh, okay, crap, you know, like I thought I was justified. And my mom, right? Because mom is the sweetest person on the face of the planet, and it takes a lot for her to not be the sweetest person on the face of the planet, we'll say. So if I call her and she's like, Oh, you're probably doing too much, Crystal. I'm like, okay, like, all right, I guess I'll look at this different, you know. And then sometimes when they're like, Yeah, I kind of get it, you know, and you're like, okay, well, I'm not losing it, you know. Green light. Let me call you back. Just kidding. Just I'll let you know how it goes. I you know what's so funny to me is I'm 38 years old. I'm getting ready at 40, right? And it's kind of like I'm I'm kind of hyped for it, to be honest. And then another part of me is like, oh geez, like 40? Really? Like, since when, right? Like is how it kind of feels, right? I know. And Jeremy is 44, and he's kind of went through that part, but now he's kind of like, geez, you know, you can already be 45. Like, so we're kind of both, you know, in this really like weird, awkward place. And um, it's funny because we've learned to vibe off of each other with things, especially things like that, right? And it's fun, like when you can vibe off of with your spouse, and your spouse can vibe off of you, and and you kind of get this like a best friend situation going too, like it's fun, right? Like, you're with this person every day, you know, and it's like you want to enjoy it, right? And it becomes fun. And now my boys have gotten to see that part, right? And I love that. I love that. And both of the boys are sweethearts, like they're so sweet, they really are. They are, and I I know that I I'm not dumb, right? I know that like kids will kind of portray themselves one way to their parents and be fair, but but like the boys are legitimately like sweet kids, you know what I mean? I've always made it abundantly known that they can be themselves with me all the time. If they do something wrong, I'm not gonna act like I won't be upset because I'm their mom and a book partner said, Hey, what are you doing? But like I'm gonna get over it, right? Life will hopefully keep going and move on. Tomorrow's a brand new day, you know. So let's get it fixed and get it together. Let mom and dad be there to help you. And in that sense, now they're kind of at the age where they're turning to us and they're saying, Hey mom, hey dad, hey, what do you guys think about this? You know, what what would you do? Or does this make sense? Or and it's kind of fun, right? Like I always told the boys, I'm not your friend. I'll be your friend when you're grown up and you're out of my house and you're you got a job and and you're an adult and you're providing for yourself. Until that part, I'm strictly mom. It's not my job to be your friend and tell you what you want to hear or let you do whatever you want to do, right? That's not my role at all. I'll do that stuff when you're grown and you're responsible and you're out in the house. So then I'm your parent. And it took a lot to understand myself, and it took a lot of humbling to look at myself and go, oh man, I messed up. You know, I I need to fix it.

SPEAKER_00 28:50

It and it does, you know, and I think one important thing is is like, okay, so uh my stepdaughter, my daughter, she just started college. So she's in a dorm in Virginia um by herself. And, you know, there's rules to going to college. Like you need to be at your classes, you don't need to be going out every night. You know, there's things that you need to be doing, holding your grades, and ther certain things you still need to pay for, you know. Um, and she understands that. Yeah, and she still participates in church and things like that. And that's wonderful because we're like some home rules still apply, even though you're living in a dorm. You know? And the reality of it is, is like, are you an adult? Absolutely. You're an adult, but you're an in-college adult. You still need us to finance life. Yeah. So until that no longer becomes a thing, no, we still got rules. You know, and the same goes for Ethan. Like he he's aware, like he said before, Mom, I don't want to move out right when I turn 18. I want to work for a couple of years because I don't want to rent. I'd rather just put a down payment down on a house. Okay. That's fine. We support that idea, you know? Whatever. But eventually you're leaving. So you have until 21. And then you gotta go. That's hilarious. But you know, we think of it when you're they're young, you've really fallen to the routine, especially as moms. Um, if if if you stay at home or you're working with, because I've done both, um, you fall into this routine of you're so busy with the kids. And you're such on a routine of getting them together and schoolwork and dinner and laundry and XYZ. And then your spouse comes home and they want to chill, eat dinner, go to bed. It's like you guys maybe have an hour together throughout the day. And it's just like things bottle up over time because it's like you're not really spending any quality time together. So it's like I feel like more arguments happen when they're smaller because one, they are just more to handle when they're smaller. And as they get older and they start to find their own autonomy and their own personalities and things like that, it is much easier to say, hey, you know what you're supposed to be doing. These are the rules. Right. If you break one of those rules, don't be afraid to tell me. We'll address it. You know there's consequences, but we'll we'll talk about it. We'll figure out what happened, what led to it. And that doesn't put as much of a strain on your guys' relationship, you and your husband, because these rules have already been planned out. You guys already knew what the family rules were. It's so it's so different because when they're younger, they're going through this stage, then this stage, then this stage, and things are constantly changing, and everybody's barely seeing each other. So I think that there is that part of the element to it too. But I'll tell you one thing that gets on my nerves, and we kind of talked about it earlier. Uh, kids and finances, when we were growing up, you stayed out of your parents' bills. Oh, yeah. That is not your not your point. Like, you do not get in your parents' bills, you don't open that billbook, stay out of it. You are a child, stay in a child's place. Kids today want to know everything. And I'm like, where did this come from? And they're like, well, they're teaching us in school this. And I'm like, look, I'm all for you knowing how to write a check, balance a budget, all these things. I think that that's important, how to make an investment and stuff like that. You're not doing that with our household finances because that's not your business.

SPEAKER_01 33:01

Yeah. See, I'm a little bit so this is my take on that, to be quite honest. Okay, but my boys are older. Ethan is too, and Olivia is too, don't take me wrong. But um, I'll show the boys my electric bill, I'll show the boys my gas bill, show the boys my water bill. Because at the end of the day, especially Jar, he's 19, right? He's already 20 years old. He does work, he pays for his own car, he pays his own insurance, his cell phone, but he does all those things. But hey, listen, this is what life is like right now, right? Like, I'm getting four or five hundred dollar electric bills in the summer, right? A month, because I got the pool or the AC or or whatever it is, you know. And I want you all to understand this is why mom is saying, shut your TV off, right? Right. Shut the light off. Um, and the gas bill, you know, we live in Ohio. It gets cold. Like, you know what I mean? We say our gas bill gets expensive. Um, you know, January, February, that's when we get our pretty, you know, good, decent size bills. And it's even worse in some other places of the world, you know, than it is here. So I just I do show them that part of it. Um, but I will be honest and say, like, they don't they don't look at my bank. You know what I mean? They don't but that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Like, they don't look at that there's a household budget. Right, right, you know, like yeah, like I've showed Ethan our water bill. I'm like, dude, you want to take six showers a day? That's cool. You're gonna pay ten dollars. Look at this water bill, look at what they're paying me per cubit. Okay, right. I've showed him our electric bill. You see what we're being charged per kilowatt now? How many kilowatts did we use last month? Do the math.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

You went listen. Trying to tell you, I was so my electric bill was so high. Then people come knocking on my door, talking about we can sign you up with this supplier and cap it at this. I said, sign me up. Like, and I'm usually the one that's like, don't open the door. Close the blinds. Like Jeremy sets me up for failure every single time because he'll be like, Oh, my wife handles the bills.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

Hold on a minute. I'm like, don't just tell them no. Like, I'm not gonna lie, Andrew does the same thing. I'm like, I don't know the budget. I'll have to go get my wife.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

Listen, I said if you don't tell them people no. But the funny thing was, is my bill was so high, I was like, you know what, I got five minutes, sure do. Like, you know, let me know.

SPEAKER_00 35:34

What are you talking about? Let me let me listen to this real quick. So, and that's the thing. Like, I do think it's important for them to realize like real life, these are what real bills are. But as far as like the overall like household budget, the income coming in, the expenses going out, what you you know, budget for food, things like that. Um, you know, like I tell Ethan, like roughly we budget $135 a week for food. When there's just three of us here. Now they're all four of us that are here, we budget for like $170, you know. Um I'm gonna send you some nephews. But I go to Sam's club and BJ's a lot and stuff like that. So it, you know, cost-wise over the month, it breaks it down. But like, and I tell him, like, and he's like, that's a lot of money. I'm like, well, look at how many meals a day you eat. What do you think? I it doesn't come from nowhere, you know. So I think it's important. Like lately, he's been going to like the grocery store with us, and he's like, oh my gosh, like this is what we spent here, and blah, blah, blah. And I do think that those things are important for them to know, but I don't feel like because I've seen this. I was at um open house just a week ago with Ethan. And one of these kids literally said his mom was on the phone with somebody while we were waiting in line to get in. And she said, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have to move my hair appointment. And this high schooler, sophomore, literally says, Yeah, we ain't got that in the month, we ain't got the money for that. You got about $25 to feed us until next Friday. Oh, okay. And I'm like, one, sir, don't put your mom on blast in public. That's rude. Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. Mama woman would have snatched me up. Two, why do you know that?

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Yeah, yeah. You know, and that's just yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

And I'm like, that's just where I feel like that's also one of those appropriate conversations to have. Like, yes, teach them about finances and money. No, they don't control your actual budget for the household. You can separate those two things. Exactly. And I think that's just important to do.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

I think another thing that's important to kind of hit on to is I've always taught the boys that there are ways to say things that will insinuate different meanings. Right. I can say hello like three different ways, and you can determine three different things from that. You know, if I'm like, hi, how are you? You know, oh, okay, she's in a good mood, right? If I'm like, hi, she's annoyed. You know what I mean? And and so on. Your tone it really kind of dictates the way a person is going to take what you say. So I've taught them too, like, watch your tone when you're talking to people, you know, understand how it's gonna come out of your mouth and how it's going to be interpreted. Um, and I heard there was some video, I don't remember, I was watching it somewhere, maybe TikTok or something, I don't know. But um, they're like, Oh, I'm not responsible for your feelings. Well, you kinda are. Okay, because if I am talking to you and and I'm in a bad mood and it's coming out through my tongue, you might think, is she in a bad mood with me? You know what I mean? Like, geez, right? You know what I mean? And that you very much are responsible for how you make other people feel because you have to understand how you're gonna come off, right? And understand too, it's gonna be vice versa, the same thing, you know, other people, how they're talking to you. It's gonna determine how you take the conversation and how you respond to, you know. So I've always tried to teach the boys that because I think it's important, especially with them getting older, going out into the world, the workforce, you got, you know, supervisors and managers and whatnot that you they have to listen to. Absolutely. Let's be honest. When we're working, we are gonna get aggravated. You know, you're not gonna like everybody, you're not gonna like everything, but you do gotta control it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

And when you can control it, yeah, you can't stomp your feet and roll your eyes like you do with your brother or your sister, you know. You gotta keep it together. Yeah, no, I totally agree. Like, and it's so funny because Ethan actually just said the other day, he said him and Andrew were joking about something, and he's Andrew was like, Oh wow, that hurts. And Ethan was like, I'm not responsible for your feelings. And we all just laughed. And I'm like, you know, to a point I get it, you know, like yeah, your tone impacts everything. Sometimes, like, if something's being said that's factual, whatever, it can still be the way you say it. You know, so and that's something we talk about with Ethan, is because he'll say, like, I'm not yelling, or I don't have an attitude. It is not for you to judge if you are coming at me with a tone. It is me to judge that you are coming at me with a tone. So I am telling you now you have 30 seconds to correct it, or we have a problem. Because I think that that's a big thing. Another thing is to have an appropriate conversation with your child that if they don't like the way somebody is approaching them, or if they don't feel comfortable, it is okay for them to tell them I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. Or please, hey, you're you're seeming a little hostile, you know, can we take a minute, calm down, whatever it may be, right? You know, I think that that's important for them to be able to do, you know, because I know as a parent and as a wife, if I don't like the way I'm being approached about something, I for sure am like, stop, try again, you know. And I mean, yeah, when you're at work, you can't necessarily do that to your supervisor, but you can document that and call HR.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

Well, then don't take me wrong though. It you can still, how do I say it? Um, you can still for yourself. Yeah, you know what I mean? And that's where I think learning tones is important, you know. Like, hey, I don't know, like if I did something, you know, to cause this, but that wasn't my intention, you know what I mean? And kind of let that person know, like, hey, I realize this tone that you have with me, and uh, wasn't my intention to cause that, but it kind of also lets them know too, like, hey, not okay. Yeah, right. Like calm it down. Yeah, and I think that that's just kind of a part of teaching them that emotional intelligence, and I think that that too will come in time, you know, too, as they go through life and and they grow and they mature. And I think it's important though, you know, for them to see healthy dialogue, you know, between initially it'll probably be um mom and dad or or you know, whoever has custody of them, guardianship, whatever it is, you know. Like I think that they learn that initially from those people, right? Because that's who they're with the most. Right. And then as they grow, they're going to see that throughout life, right? Through maybe they're going to relative's house or maybe they're going to school or or whatever it is. They need to see that healthy conflict resolution, right? Two people that can stay calm, hear each other out, try to understand, and come to a resolution. Because that's how they're going to learn to do the same thing. And that in turn can also, you know, keep a lot of problems down for them in life that they might have if they don't learn this. So I think it's important, you know. There are appropriate things that they should hear and some things that they shouldn't hear. As parents, we kind of have to take responsibility. I know I did, I had to take responsibility for my emotions and for what I did, right? And see where I went wrong and then make the change to fix it. And it's not overnight, you know. I hope that everybody listening understands that changes do not happen overnight. Okay. It really takes some telling yourself. Over and over and over again, hey, fix this, fix this, fix this. Because it's a habit, right? There's good habits, there's bad habits. If you have bad habits, it takes a while to break them, right? Because you're used to doing it. What's important is taking the steps to do it and letting them see healthy resolution to situations where if they don't see it, they're not going to learn it. 100 P.

SPEAKER_00 44:31

Well, it's time for our favorite part of the show, mom hacks, on having some appropriate conversations in front of our kids and what to do when we slip up. I'll start. Number one, have a parking lot phrase. Create a code phrase with your partner, like, let's put that in the parking lot, or we'll circle back, or not for little ears. It gently redirects the adult conversation without tension.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Number two, know what's age appropriate. Littles like under seven, they don't need financial stress details, marriage conflict specifics, graphic news stories. What they do need is mom and dad are figuring it out, and you are safe. Elementary age, they can handle things like basic explanations about money, hey, we're budgeting, or healthy disagreements, general current events without fear-based language, of course, and keep it simple and solution focused so that they understand there is a solution. Yeah. In teens, they benefit from honest conversations about relationships, real world stress in moderation, though, right? Because we don't want to overwhelm them and seeing respectful conflict resolution. But do parents understand this? They're not your therapist or an emotional dumping ground.

SPEAKER_00 46:02

Right. Number three, don't weaponize adult conversations. Never criticize your spouse harshly in front of them. Don't trash talk about family members in front of them. And do not share adult secrets in front of your children. Kids will internalize it. They will either feel responsible for it or unsafe because of it.

SPEAKER_01 46:29

Absolutely. Number four, lower the volume, lower the impact. Even when discussing serious things, tone definitely matters more than the words or self, usually. Kids don't understand context all the time. What they do understand is your energy. They can feel it and they can see it.

SPEAKER_00 46:50

Oh yeah. That's for sure. Number five, when you slip up, because you will, address it quickly. If they ever heard something intense, don't pretend it didn't happen. Say, you might have you might have heard mom and dad talking loudly earlier. We were frustrated, but we're working it out. Clarity reduces anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 47:15

Yes. Number six, reassure safety. The number one thing kids need to know is nothing you heard means your family is falling apart. That's so, so important.

SPEAKER_00 47:29

Yeah, absolutely. Number seven, model accountability. If you said something inappropriate, I shouldn't have talked like that in front of you. That's on me. That's how we break cycles.

SPEAKER_01 47:44

Yes. Number eight, use it as a teaching moment when it's appropriate. With older kids, hey, that was an adult topic. When you're older, we can talk more about it. For now, your job is to be a kid. Boundaries is going to equal security.

SPEAKER_00 48:03

Oh yes. And number nine, repair with connection. After a tense moment, hug them. Sit down with them and do something normal. Returning to a baseline teaches them emotional safety.

SPEAKER_01 48:18

And number 10, create a family rule. In our home, we don't handle big emotion in ways that scare each other. Keep it simple and repeat it often so that it sticks.

SPEAKER_00 48:32

Oh yes. So the bigger truth, we don't break cycles by never slipping. We break cycles by repairing better than we were repaired. Kids don't need perfect parents. They need emotionally safe ones. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 48:54

Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. If any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button.

SPEAKER_00 49:03

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SPEAKER_01 49:09

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SPEAKER_00 49:29

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SPEAKER_01 49:40

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SPEAKER_00 49:53

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SPEAKER_01 50:14

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